Monica's Diary
by Monnie Geller
Summary: Monica's going through a tough time. How will she deal with things, and will she make it okay? Completed!
1. Why?

Monica's Diary

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Friends Characters…blah blah blah…What kind of important person wastes their time reading these silly things anyway? Ooh, but I do own Matt, C, and Greg.  Oh yeah, and I don't own 'Aerials' either.

Author's Note: Hey guys! I really liked Bridget Jones' Diary, so I decided that I would write a story in that format.  The other characters will come into play later.  Promise.  By the way, some things in here get a little descriptive, so skip the paragraph you're reading if you get a little squeamish.  Otherwise, please tell me what you think! I'm gonna need about 10 reviews if I'm going to post the next part…Ciao

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April 3rd, 2:30 AM

Friday night and I'm all alone.  

I can't stand to keep crying like this.  It has been so long and I still can't seem to get over it.  Why can't I just let it go?  

So…He hits me.  

That doesn't always mean anything.  

So…He does it more than once, usually.  

He still loves me, right? 

Oh what do you know…You're a diary.

He always does this on the weekends.  He gets really drunk, and then he tries to have sex with me, and then when I don't want to (ya know, I shouldn't have to give in to him all the time, I can't have sex with a drunk person, unless I'm wasted myself and don't know what I'm getting into) he decides that I'm in trouble, and he hurts me.  I can't stand it, and I can't keep hiding the bruises and cuts from my friends.  I wish I had a family to turn to.  When you turn twenty-five, you think you'll be able to make it on your own.  But now, I have to.  Mom and Dad aren't coming back anytime, so now I have no one to really confide in.  Except you.  You know all my secrets.  Courteney and I don't seem to be as close as we used to be.  I feel so separated from her, because I can't tell her the things that I most long to tell her. Greg won't let me.  The immature bastard ruined my life from the moment I said "I do.".  Those two words have the biggest impact on your life.  It's crazy, I know.  But it's true.  Don't ever stay with a man that you don't trust with your life, and even then it's hard to tell.  I felt the same way about Greg before I married him.  And now look at us.  I'm a mess, writing in a diary, while he's out getting drunk, probably screwing some chick he picked up at a bar, and then on his way home to see if he can get a good fuck out of me.  Well he isn't.  Not this time.  Wish me luck, I think he's coming in the door.

10:30 AM

Greg's still asleep.  God, I hate him so much.  Why the hell does he have to do this to me?  I thought I would make a good wife, and he, a loving husband.  I had never seen this side of him before.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Not only does he hit me, but he actually raped me last night.    Is it still considered rape, though, if you're married?

He came home, just as I said last night (well, this morning, rather), drunk, as usual.  He stumbled in the door, looking for me.  He collapsed on the couch a few moments later, so I left him there to sleep.  I went to bed as quietly as I could, hoping that I wouldn't wake him.  I did manage to do that, but I think he got up a little while after I fell asleep.  I had stirred a little in my sleep, I think I might've been dreaming (but I don't remember it), when he was practically shaking me awake.  I didn't know what was going on, so I pretty much yelled at him to leave me alone.  But he persisted, and I started to get mad at whoever it was that was waking me up from my rest.  The next thing I knew, he was on top of me, clearly still drunk (I could tell by his eyes and his breath) and started kissing my neck.  I tried to push him off of me, but he was too strong.  He fought to get all of his clothes off, as well as mine, which took him twice as long as I was pushing and pulling trying to get him off of me.  Then it was all happening, he was groping me frantically, trying to get me to let him fuck me, but I kept my legs clamped shut. He managed to get my legs apart and slammed hard into me and I soon knew that there would be more bruises in the morning.  He crashed into my cervix time and time again, I kept thinking he was going to break my hips.  I cried the whole time.  As soon as he had relieved himself, he got up, dressed, and left the room.  He left me.  The sick bastard left me ashamed.  I felt so dirty.  So used.  So vulnerable.  

And now, he's asleep in our bed.  I'm usually the one who uses it, cause he doesn't sleep much anymore.  Why does he keep doing this?  I thought I had a good life.  I thought that I deserved better than this.  I would leave him, you know that.  But I can't.  I am so afraid as to what he might do.  He could kill me if he wanted to.  He could go after Courteney.  Hell, he could go after anybody if I did anything about our situation.  I hate being scared.  I hate lying.  Pretending that everything is OK.  But it's not.  I want my life back, but he stole it, and I'm never going to possess it again.  Not as long as he's in my life.  As long as he continues to cut the places that already will leave scars.  And I mean that literally and metaphorically.

What do I do?  He's not gonna leave me alone.  He's gonna keep on treating me like a sex object. Hitting me when I don't comply.  I hate it. I hate him.  I want him to crawl up his own ass and die.  I keep fearing that he's going to kill me one day.  When I'm least expecting it, he's gonna barge in that door with a gun and shoot me. I shiver at the thought of him doing something like that.  It chills me to my core. I want so much to tell Courteney, but I know deep down that somehow he's gonna figure it out.  I can't leave him.  but now I know I can't stay.  I'll talk to you later…

8:30 PM

Greg finally left to go out and get drunk again.  I think maybe I should go out and see Courteney.  I want to tell her.  I want her to know that I need her to help me.  Without her, I don't have anyone.  She's my best friend and I'm keeping a huge secret from her.  Which reminds me, I don't want anymore secrets from anyone, so I'm gonna go get a prescription to get myself on the Pill.  I don't want another secret, like pregnancy.  I could never have a child with that man.  Hell, he's not even a man.  I don't know what he is.  Evil is too pleasant a word.  Evil is like cake and ice cream to him.  I can't stand it.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  I need someone to talk to about this.  He has control over every aspect of me, and I can't do anything about it.  Why does the Lord do this?  Hell, if there is one, why the hell does he put them on the planet? Even more so, why does he make them do this to other people? I can't stand it.  I need to listen to some music.  I think I'll put on System of a Down.  They always make me feel better, even if they write depressing stuff.  It helps me to know that some people have issues, too.  I'm gonna listen now…__

_Life is a waterfall_

_We drink from the river_

_Then we turn around _

_And put up our walls_

_Swimming through the void_

_We hear the word_

_We lose ourselves _

_But we find it all_

_Cause we are the ones_

_Who want to pay_

_Always wanna go_

_But you never wanna stay_

_And we are the ones_

_Who want to choose_

_Always wanna play_

_But you never wanna lose_

It's a good song.  I highly recommend it.  It's called Aerials. Anyway, I'm feeling a little better now…I think I'm just gonna get some shut eye before Greg comes home.  I don't think I feel like doing anything tonight, so maybe I'll sneak out after he gets home and passes out.  That might give me some time…

_Aerials_

_In the sky_

_When you lose small mind_

_You free your life_

_Aerials_

_So up high_

_When you free your eyes_

_Eternal prize…_

April 4th, 1:00 PM

Thank God for Sunday.  He can't go anywhere 'cause a lot of the places are closed.  I'm so thankful for God's day.  Even if there isn't one…I haven't decided yet.  I'm going out to lunch with Court today.  I am trying to plan the perfect time to tell her about everything.  About Greg.  And me.  And his horrible habits.  And why I'm always choosing the outdoor restaurants so I can wear sunglasses.  And why though it's freaking sixty degrees out and I still insist on wearing a turtleneck and long jeans.  And why I change the subject when she ever asks about him.  And why I always look like I'm hiding something.  Because I am, and Courteney can see right through me.  She knows something's wrong.  We've been best friends since kindergarten.  You think she doesn't notice? She planned my sweet sixteen party.  She was maid of honor at my wedding.  She was the one who lived with me when I was in college.  She was the one who lent me money so that I could take care of myself.  She was the one who came over to my apartment when I moved to my own place to help me fix freaking macaroni and cheese for the fiftieth time that week.  I love her so much.  She's always been my best friend.  That is the most important thing in the world to me.  And now, she can't know the one thing that I long to tell her.  I even know what she's going to do.  She's going to give me a hug, and tell me that she's glad I told her, and then she's going to tell me that it's okay to cry, and she'll take me back to her place, and we'll sit and talk forever.  I know her so well.  That's what she'll do.  I just know it.

1:25 PM

Greg is such an asshole.  He wakes up, and the first thing he says to me is, "Get me some water, woman!"

Yeah.  That's friendly.  I used to love you, too.

Courteney is going to be here in a few minutes, I hope my makeup's on right.  I'm thinking about hiding my wedding band and just cheating on him.  But then I know he'll find out and hurt me more than he did.  I didn't bring him his water fast enough, and he hit me again.  Why in the hell doesn't he just get so drunk he falls off a bridge and dies?  Wouldn't that be just luck? 

Ooh! Court is here!  Must go…I'll tell you about it later.

4:00 PM

I couldn't tell her.  Ya know, he still loves me in spite of everything…Right?  He never told me he didn't…Well, only when he's really drunk and I can't tell what he's saying…He tells me he loves me all the time.  I know he does.  

At least…I think I know.  

I can't figure myself out…Why is this all happening? I thought he loved me…

I'm gonna talk to him.

…I hope he takes it better than I think he will.

Wish me luck.

10:15 PM

Well, that didn't go well.  I came into the living room to find him passed out on the sofa, beer in hand.  What possessed him to take up drinking, anyway?  He woke up and looked over at me with his bloodshot eyes.  He grinned maliciously and I knew immediately what he was thinking.  I felt tears welling up in my eyes as soon as he stood up and walked towards me.  I got so scared.  I tried to break free of his grip, but he just hit me and I soon stopped struggling.  Better for me to just let him get on with it.  He kept crashing down on me, I'm afraid I might become infertile, so I shifted my weight a little, and then he hit me again, pushing me back down so he could fulfill his own need.  He brought my period on a few days early, and so I ended up bleeding on him.  That scared him a little.  That was the only thing that made me smile all day, besides being able to see Courteney.  But then the whole time I knew that I would have to come home to this loser.  It's devastating.  I still can't figure out if it's rape if the couple is married.  I might have to check on the Internet or something.  Wait…He checks to see if I go online.  Damn, he has control over everything.  I can't even figure out why.  Does he think he has dominance over me? He should know that I'm not a prize to own.  I'm not a trophy.  Or a sex object for that matter.  But does he care?

I doubt it.

Damn it I'm gonna put on System again.  They suit my mood…__

April 5th, 9:00 AM

Grr…Damn him.  He did it once again after I tried to go to sleep again.  I hate him.  He's ruining me.  How the hell does he expect me to always give myself up to him like that? I hate him.  I hate him.  I _hate _him.  He's always fucking me up and then telling me he loves me and he doesn't want to hurt me.  Yeah, right.  What the fuck do you think you just did to me, asshole?  I swear…the only things keeping me sane are Courteney and Music.  And if it wasn't for Cee (I call her that, and C and Court, just FYI) I probably would've committed suicide by now.  The bastard ruined my life.  Why is it that someone you trusted so much could turn around and change so easily?  You think you know someone…That kills me.  Depression sucks.  This all sucks.  Everything sucks.  I need Courteney…

9:15 AM

I want her to come over.  I want to tell her.  I'm going to.  I don't care if he fucking finds out about it.  Then at least I know I can talk to someone and they'll know what happened before he kills me, and then they'll be able to turn him in.  I hate the word 'fuck'.  It reminds me too much of my life.  And yet I still use it all the time.  Why is that? I ask that too much.  Why? Why, why, why, why? God, shut up woman…

I'm gonna call C.

She'll know what to do.  She only lives about 10 minutes away.  Thank God.  Maybe I can sneak out before Greg wakes up.  Otherwise he's gonna want to…Well, you know…

And I'm not about to put up with that shit again. 

Dialing…

Ringing…

Oh, thank God she's home. 

She's coming to pick me up.  Thank God.  I hope she gets here quickly.  I think I might hear Greg.  Whoa, if I leave without telling him I'll have hell to pay.  But then again…I'll have that anyway, so what the hell?

11:30 PM

I spent the entire day with C.  She is so understanding.  I love her so much more than I ever loved Greg.  But not in the romantic kind of way, of course.  You know what I mean.  The better type of love.  The kind that doesn't die, or wear out, or get thrown out the window when someone does something asinine.  So…I did it.  I told her.  Everything.  First, we small talked the whole way home, about insignificant things that I don't even remember.  All I remember was breaking down into tears as soon as the door shut.  She immediately took me in her arms and let me cry before asking why I was upset.  She sat me down on her sofa and got me a glass of water and a box of tissues and sat next to me.   She spoke through concern.  I spoke through tears.  

"Monica, what happened?" She asked after I had quieted down.

"It's…Please, Cee, you can't tell anyone I've told you.  He'd…"  
  
"Who's he?"

"Greg."  
  
"What? What happened?"

"He's…"  I paused, and I couldn't really get the words out.

"What, sweetie?"

"He's…He's…" I struggled with myself.  I almost couldn't bear to tell her.  But then, I thought, she needs to know, and I want her to know.  She has every right to know what's going on with us.  She has no secrets from _me_, why should I be any different? So, I continued…

"He's abusing me."

"What? Are-are you serious?"  
  
"Yes, he hits me and-and abuses me, a-and sometimes he…"  I choked on the words.  

"…rapes me." I said quietly.

"Monica.  I don't know what to say. C'mere." She gestured towards herself, and I crawled into her arms and cried.

"I don't know what to do anymore.  He gets drunk all the time, and then he comes home, passes out on the couch, and when he wakes up, he always wants me to have sex with him.  I don't want to, but he forces it on me.  I'm so scared, Cee.  I'm so scared."

She pulled me closer and started crying, too. "I'm here, Mon.  You don't have to be scared anymore."

April 6th, 7:30 AM

I hope Greg doesn't wake up soon.  I'm so sick of him I could just puke.  What am I gonna do?  I can't leave him.  I'm too afraid.  He's gonna hurt me again and again and still I can't gather the courage to leave him.  Grr, I hate this.   I feel so repetitive.  Argh, why the fuck can't I just leave him? You wanna know why? 

I think I might be pregnant.

That damn bastard may have knocked me up.  And now, I don't have any support, and now, I have to stay.  I need to take a pregnancy test.  Hey, wait, I am on the pill, how the heck did it happen? I _know_ my period has regulated itself, but noo…I'm gonna call C again.

7:55 AM

Hurrah! I am not pregnant.  Oh my god, I was so scared for a while.  C is so understanding.  Why couldn't I have just stayed living with her, and not fallen in love with _this_ asshole? But I can't live on maybes, and buts.  No use in that.  I'm going to see C and there's nothing Greg can do about it.  So there.  Just fuck him.  He can just fuck himself.  God I hate that word.  Maybe that's why I use it to describe him.  Cause I hate him too.  

2:30 PM

You know what? I'm gonna do it.  I'm gonna report him, and leave him.  That's just it.  C can be so influential when she wants to be.  Ha, I'm going to do it.  I can't believe it, but I am.  It's time to pack my things.

I'm gonna need all the luck in the world…

So don't just wish it for me.

Here goes.

April 10th, 9:00 AM

I did it.  I cannot believe I did it.  He's out of my life.  I'm going to live with C, and Greg doesn't know where she lives.  He doesn't even know her last name.  Serves him right for never listening to me.  The abuse is over.  The rapes are over.  I haven't been this happy since my wedding day, and look how that turned out…

Crap.

What if it goes like that? What if C gets abusive?

No…She wouldn't.

Would she?

No. I'm just paranoid.  I'm gonna talk to her about it.

10:00 AM

Of course she isn't. I trust her.  And she totally understands how nervous I am.

"Cee?" I asked. "Can I talk to you?"

"Of course," she answered, a frown replacing her brilliant smile as she looked into my eyes with concern. "What's up?" she asked.

"Well, it's about…you know…"

"Mmm-hmm…?" she said, confused more than anything else.

"Well, I… and this may sound so stupid but…"  
  
"Honey, it won't."  
  
"I'm, uh…I'm a little afraid that, um…You might…You know…"

"Sweetheart, I would never, _ever hurt you.  Ever.  You know I won't." she said, frowning more when tears welled up in my eyes. "What's wrong now?" she inquired._

"That's what _he_ said."

"Oh, sweetie…I'm so sorry.  I didn't mean…"  
  
"I know."

"Allright.  Sweetie, I wouldn't.  Trust me.  I promise. Never ever ever."

"Okay."  I hugged her again, before beginning to cry.  She just held me until I had calmed down.  She knew, without me saying anything, that I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything would be allright.  That it wasn't my fault he was like this.  I'm glad she's here.  Well, I'm glad I'm there with her.

10:00 PM

I love her so much.  I needed a best friend all this time, and she still patiently waited for me.  I think I should go to sleep with that thought.  It's so much more pleasant than the usual ones.

April 14th, 9:00 AM

I'm not writing as much anymore 'cause I don't have as much to deal with emotionally.  But I'll still write.  I promise.  Today, C and I are going shopping for some clothes for me.  I need to get a better, more fulfilling job than just Data Processing at some boring corporation.  Women shouldn't do that.  That boring stuff is for men.  Heehee.

April 30th, 12:00AM (noon)

Well, life certainly is treating me better.  I have a job as a waitress at this small café a little ways away from home.  It's called Iridium.  I'm hoping to do some training and become a chef there instead.  I seem to have developed a knack for cooking.  Well, since the macaroni and cheese phase passed.  

As far as relationships are concerned, I'm not in one.  Don't plan on being in one for a while.  Plus, I have to settle divorce crap, hopefully get money from him, ya know, and I want him sentenced in the slammer for as long as they'll put him there.

Cee, on the other hand, is dating this guy, Brad.  He's really sweet.  And he's so smart.  And real cute, too.  It's not like I like him or anything, I'm just glad Court's doing better than I am.  Of course, it doesn't take much to do that nowadays.  

May 8th, 9:00 PM

It's my mom's birthday today.  I wish she could've been alive to be here, and to see how happy I am.  Of course, she never knew what happened.  Neither did Dad.  They would've had me out of there so quickly if they knew that _anything_ was going wrong in that place.  I miss them so much.  But you know, they're still here, in some form or another.

I don't know why I wrote all that.  I guess since I haven't written in a while.  Oh well.

May 18th, 7:30 PM

I met a guy today.  His name's Matthew.  He's gorgeous, and so intelligent.  And he's sophisticated, but sarcastic and he cracks me up.  I just wish he didn't seem interested in me, you know, _that way_.  I'm just not sure if I'm ready for that yet.

Or am I?

No, you're right.  I'm not.

Okay, I'll just tell him I just got out of a relationship.  Which I did.  And that I'm questioning commitment.  Which I am.  And that I'd still like to be his friend, right now.  Which I do.

But what I'm _not_ going to tell him…Is why.  Why I don't want to be with Greg.  Why I'm scared of committing again.  He'll just have to wait for that.  I'll trust him soon enough. 

9:00 PM

Cee is a great friend.  She promised not to tell him anything.  I'd be so lost without her.  But still, I need to have another person in my life for a while, if anything.  We'll just see how everything pans out. 

It had better, that's for sure.

May 21st, 5:30 PM

Wow.  Matthew is so understanding.  He didn't even ask what happened to my last relationship. I would've expected him to.  Hmm…

We went out for lunch today, kind of like a double date, but not…Like, C and Brad were together but me and Matt weren't.  He didn't even question it.  Just accepted the fact that we weren't together.  Just so easily.  Just like that.

Maybe he'll be better than the last guy I met.

May 27th, 8:40 AM  
  
Aww, I'm so happy!  My first week on the job and I've already gotten more tips than the other waiters and waitresses this week! Though, they told me that's partly because I am new, and they tend to tip the new people more when they first start out…

But still!

I can't believe that I don't have many problems anymore.  Greg is almost completely out of my life.  The divorce is nearly final, and then…

Freedom.

May 29th, 11:30 PM

Something I've been longing to have for 3 and a half years. Since I was 23.  It's amazing how much your life changes.  It's good, though.  But there's still something creeping around in the back of my mind, and I can't quite put a finger on it, or put it to words…It's so confusing…Oh well, I'll probably figure it out at some point or another.  You'll know.  At least, you'll know when I do.  I think…Oh well, I don't make any sense. I was up late last…

…night…

That's it.  That's what it was.  It's because I've been having nightmares.  About…you know. Greg, and his…habits.  Argh, why doesn't he just leave me alone?  He's crept into my thoughts.  My dreams.  Where it's supposed to be happy, it's not.  Because he brainwashed me.  To think that it was okay that he was hurting me all this time.  And now, I'm paranoid.  And scared.  And I want to be with someone, but I know that I can't. 

You know, I've only been with one man in my life.

The man who messed me up forever.

The man who stole my virginity and changed me for good.

The man who is…

Standing outside my window.

~~~~


	2. Dealing

~*~ Monica's Diary ~*~  Part II

Disclaimer: Duh! Of course I don't own them! Would I be writing this if I owned them?? Um…no…Plus…I think I have a few lines in here from Friends and a couple from Will & Grace…but only the avid fans would get it…

Author's Note: Do you guys read these? Cause I told you that the other characters (all of them) would be coming soon!! And ya asked anyways…Hrmmm….Ya peeps are strange…but tiz okay!! Love ya anyway! Special love out to Ez (my wifey) and Jenni (cause she's cool like that!)!! CIAO!!! Next part up after I get some more reviews….like a total of 25-ish…

~~~

June 4th, 12:00 (noon)

So…You're probably wondering what happened, huh? Let me give you a little bit of an idea…

I'm in the hospital.

I have fractured ribs, a broken nose, a sprained wrist and a broken ankle.  But, yeah, I'm doing better than I would have.  If Matt hadn't come in at the time he did, I would have been dead.

Dead.  As in…Gone.  Forever.  Like, bye-bye for good.  Get it yet?

I'm so mad at Greg I could just kill him.  I mean, I probably would, but I kinda can't get up, so that complicates things a bit.  They're bringing me lunch in about a half hour.  I'll explain what happened a little later, when I've regained my composure, and my sides don't hurt as much.

12:15 PM

 I'm ready for my Jell-O, now!

12:40 PM

Oh come on! Food please! I'm starving! And I wanna press charges on my ex-husband (finally he's my ex and I can call him whatever foul names I want and get away with it hahahahaha)! So…Rub a dub dub.  Bring on the frickin grub.

Sorry about that.  It won't happen again.  I'm just a little shaken up from the recent events.  I told you, I'll explain later! Shh!

Wow, I'm crazier than I thought.

1:00 PM 

So you see kids, this is why you don't do drugs, or stay up all night, or let doctors give you mood elevators with tranquilizers.  Baaaaaaaad mix.  Wow I'm exhausted.  So…I'm gonna go take a nap before my (frickin) lunch gets here.

*(Author's Note: This ^ was written at 3am so forgive my ramblings, I thought I'd leave it in for giggles)*

3:00 PM 

Allright.  I didn't know what I was writing about up there, but it's nonsense.  Don't pay any attention to it.  I was so tired…From all the damn drugs.  And I kinda still am.  Grr, why am I always hungry? Oh allright…So I'm a little *whoo* but still…

Okay, back to reality…I'm sorry I was just up all night and I was really hyper…I can't believe that…

That was the work of a lunatic, who's bordering on insanity…I hate Greg.  He needs to die.  Seriously, I'm so tired…Maybe I should talk about this later, the drugs aren't helping my concentration to write. I'll write later, when I'm de-foggy (wow, that's not even a word)

June 6th, 10:00 AM

The nurses said that I could come home from the hospital now.  You know what's weird? 

Cee didn't even ask me what happened. 

Neither did Matt.

Don't they care?

Even if I didn't tell them what happened, they could at least have asked or something.  That hurts.  Well, not just that, the pains in my sides hurt, too.  But seriously…What's that about? They haven't really talked to me about it or anything.  Not even C, who is my best friend…It's odd.  And that pisses me off.  I don't want them to treat me like some "special" person, just because I have issues with Greg (who, by the way, I hate), doesn't make me any different.  I am just as vulnerable as I was before.  And it hurts.  A lot.  I'm just gonna go home and be glad I'm back.  I'll worry about this later, trust me.  As soon as I'm alone again…Boom.  Everything negative comes flyin' into my head.  Stuff I don't even want to begin to think about.  I'll write again when I'm at home tonight.  

7:30 PM  
  
C went out on a date with Brad, and she left Matt with me.  Doesn't she remember what I think about guys?  

Has her brain gone numb?  I mean, come on.  You'd think that she would've cancelled or something.  Grr, I don't want to let this get to me.  

Matt's reading a magazine.  He doesn't know it, but I'm watching him.  

Whoa…I'll bet Greg did that to me.  I don't wanna scare him…

But…  
  
I can't stop looking at him.  I think he knows I'm looking now.  But I'm writing, too.  Ha, whenever he looks up at me I look down and pretend I'm writing…I'm having fun toying with him.  

Maybe the night won't be so bad.

9:30 PM 

  
I'm actually hoping that C doesn't come home soon…

Oh my God…Did I just think that?  What's goin' on with me? Have I gone crazy? Is this what insanity is?

It's pretty fun, if this is what it's like to be insane, no wonder people don't care about padded walls.

Okay, now I'm rambling again.  Ooh, where'd Matt go? I just looked up and he was gone…Um…

Helloooo?

11:00 PM  
  
Nope.  I definitely went insane.  There isn't a chance in the world that that night was allright.  It might've been at first, but now…

Nuh-uh, cheeka.

So, you're wondering where he went? Well, I'll tell you.

He was behind me.

I know, you're thinking, oh that's not that bad… But you don't know what he was up to.  

Not only was he _reading_ my diary (which he apologized for, and I'm okay cause it didn't have anything about what I think of him visible from what he read in it) but he snuck up behind me to tap me on my shoulder.

Is he stupid or what?

I positively _flipped_.  I freaked out.  Had a heart attack.  However you want to say it…

I jumped up from my chair, flinging my diary and a couple magazines across the room.  I had this terrified but demonic look on my face (I could tell by how my ear got all hot, I'll explain later) and I think I called him "Greg".  I screamed at him to get out and fell over on the couch crying.  All these years, with all this built up anger and sadness just kind of exploding all at once, so Matt didn't get the reaction he was looking for.   He came over and tried to put his hand on my back but I whipped around and promptly hit him in the face.  Not too hard, but enough to get him to back off, and I yelled at him not to touch me and leave me alone.  I was so scared, and so mad, and everything was kind of coming at once, and he immediately turned around and walked into Cee's bedroom and shut the door, half-glancing at me when he went in.  I think I hurt him badly.  I hope it doesn't leave a mark.  Like Greg's do… Oh no.

I'm turning into my ex-husband.

11:25 PM

But Matt, he scared the living bejeezus out of me.  And now, I'm finally calm enough to read what I'm writing and not get tears all over my diary.  All I have to say is, it was the only time I've been scared by someone other than Greg, so, ya know…

Memories.

But not just from way back when.  From recently.  I think I'm ready to tell you what happened, but sorry if I don't finish it, it's choking me up just thinking about it, let alone writing it…So, bear with me, allright? 

Yeah, I knew you'd agree.  You diaries are all alike.

So, basically this all started about a week, well, actually exactly a week, ago.  You know that cause I was writing when I saw him in my window.  That was definitely the most scared I've been in a long time. Since the first time Greg…did stuff to me. Anyway, I looked up, and I saw him, and then I realized that he was smiling at me. So at this point I was totally freaked out, and I stood up, my diary falling out of my lap.  I started backing towards the door, but then I remembered that no one was there, so I kinda couldn't really yell for help.  His grin grew wider, and I saw that he had a knife in one hand, and some big round thing in the other.  He threw the thing through the window, and opened it from the inside.  I wanted so badly to run, and I tried to get my legs to move, but I was paralyzed.  Completely helpless.  How did this whole thing happen? How did he know where to find me? How could I have known that he knew where I was? What in the world was he going to do? I was afraid he really was going to kill me.  I think that was his intention.  He ended up grabbing me by the wrists, and the knife cut into one of them.  He kept an insanely tight grip, and the one that had the knife in it (thankfully my right hand, I'm left handed), I was convinced he bent the bone into some odd shape or something.  It was horrible.  He knocked me down on my bed, and actually got some cord out of his back pants pocket.  I think he was going to rape me before he killed me.  He fell on me, knocking the wind out of me. I tried to scream, but my breath just caught in my throat and the only sound that came out was something inaudible, that no one could've heard but him.  But he was to preoccupied with trying to get me to lay still.  But me, I wasn't about to give in.  He ended up hitting me hard in the face, and my nose was bleeding a lot.  That's what got me to stop moving so much.  The tears hadn't stopped coming since I saw his eyes outside my bedroom window, and now they were falling doubly fast because of my now broken nose.  After a brief struggle, he managed to get my arms tied to the bedposts, and got up, shutting and locking the bedroom door.  I was now so far beyond terrified, words couldn't even begin to describe it.  The only thing I remember after that was him attempting to get my legs still by crushing one of my ankles, which, unfortunately, worked.  Then the next thing I knew, I had been gaining my ability to speak again and yelled something, and heard a response outside of my bedroom.  All of a sudden, I saw Matthew break the door down and immediately knock over Greg, hitting him with unimaginable power.  I know, that sounds superhero-ish, but it describes what I saw as far as I can remember.  Seriously, though, I don't think I can be mad at Matt for very long.  I mean, I know he made a mistake, and boy, did he pay for it, but I don't have to shut him out.  I couldn't lose a friend like him.

He saved my life.

In more ways than one.

June 7th, 2:30 AM

I can't sleep.  I don't wanna sleep in my room.  You know why.  But I don't want to sleep in Cee's room, 'cause, well, she was on a date, and it doesn't sound like it's quite over yet…

Yeah, um, they _really_ need to tone it down a little bit.

2:55 AM

Holy crap.  They don't seem to be slowing anytime soon.  Do they think I can't hear them?

Whoa.

He sounds totally worth the occasional improper grammar.  If I had gotten that much "agreement", I'd probably have proposed to him while we were at it! 

3:40 AM 

Um, yeah, I'm starting to get a little irritated…

Were they planning on sleeping _at all?_

1:00 PM

Man, I am so tired.  The guys at work knew I was in the hospital and are letting me take the week off, especially considering I'd need a good wrist to do anything at the restaurant.

I wonder if I should blackmail Cee…

I could make a lot of money off of her.

I ended up sleeping on the couch in the living room , which was lumpy and small.  Plus, I don't have the luxury of being able to close the door so that some of the things I heard could've been at least muffled.  It took me an extra hour and a half to get to sleep, even after I threw the pillow at their door.  I don't think they noticed until they opened it the next morning.  You should've seen the looks on their faces.  It was so funny.  I literally fell out of my chair, and my sides hurt a lot.  Well, I do have two fractured ribs, so I'm entitled to be able to hold my sides when I laugh.  They didn't think it was all that funny.  I'm sure Matt will.  I'm gonna have to call him, and apologize, but I'm gonna have to do it in person.

Do you think he'll talk to me?

3:25 PM

Matt's over now.  I just excused myself to my room to write and tell you the awesome news.  He's totally okay with it.  He's not even remotely mad at me.  He did ask me, though, if I knew who the man was. 

Durr!

I told him he was someone I knew, but didn't tell him how he was related to me.  He knew I had gotten a divorce, but hadn't asked why, or who with, or anything.  That's what I love about Matthew.  He always knows when I'm uncomfortable, and then stops asking me questions.  He's wonderful, and I'm so glad he can read my signals.  It's just that, now, I think I've warmed up a little to him, I'm just not sure if I'm ready to tell him…anything, just yet.

I will soon enough.

5:40 PM

I'm going to go out to dinner with Cee, Brad, and Matt tonight.  We're going to go to this cute little Italian place down the street.  It looked kinda small from when I saw it a few days ago, but still cute all the same.  I hope Matthew doesn't think we're dating.

Whoa, too much pressure.

I'll see ya later…

10:00 PM

Oh.

My.

God.

Seriously, that was one of the most horrible restaurants I have ever been to.  The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants, and the marinara sauce tasted like tomato juice.  They should serve it with celery and vodka.  It's disgusting.

Otherwise, it was a wonderful evening.

Especially considering I made an extra twenty dollars to keep me from telling Matt about what happened after he left the other night.  

Blackmail is so much fun.

June 12th, 11:30 AM

Okay, so, the blackmail thing got a little old.  Cee and Brad are now both broke and irritated, and plus, the moment kinda passed anyway.  It's like an old joke that you use at parties to try and get people to notice how "witty and charming" you are.  You know what I mean? So anyway, Matt and I have been spending a lot more time together.  We actually went to lunch together, without C or Brad.

Which is a _huge step for me._

I'm really uncomfortable about dating. I haven't actually gone on a date since my sophomore year in college, and, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

You know, it's been so long since I've had sex (willingly), I'm afraid they may have changed it.

11:45 AM  
  
Whoa, whoa, whoa, shift it _back_!

I just realized something.

I said that we went on a date.  I said that we were dating.

What's wrong with me?  I'm not ready to date!  Especially with a guy that I have only known as my friend. 

I mean, he's _gorgeous_, but still…

You don't do that…right?

I mean…

There are rules about that.

You don't date your friends.

Especially not…Attractive, witty, smart, devastatingly charming men who happen to waltz into your life…

And I mean that literally.  He was practicing his ballroom dancing in the middle of the city block when I met him.

8:40 PM

So…I went to talk to Matt.  We watched a movie together in the living room.  A chick flick, much to his distaste, but I could tell that he was interested in it when I looked over at him halfway through the film and he had that silly look he gets when he's concentrating on something.  I had to hold my mouth to keep from busting out laughing.  And we seem to read each other's minds.  He doesn't even have to say anything for me to know what he's thinking.  His eyes tell so much.  Those gorgeous blue eyes that make me want to melt into them…

  
Hold it.  

This wasn't what was supposed to happen.

I wanted to have a friend, someone whom I could confide in.

I never expected to find my soul mate.

June 15th, 7:30 PM

This is it.  I've officially gone IN-SANE. As in, crazy.  

What in the world was I thinking?

Sure, he was cute.  And sure, I like him.

As a friend.

But soul mates?

Nuh-uh, cheeka.

Yup. Been down that road before.  I'm not planning on falling in love again.  I don't think I could handle it.  Before, right after I left him, sure.  But now? After meeting Matthew, the only man in my life that didn't treat me like some sort of sexual relief pit stop.  I don't want to be like this again. I hate risking everything I have.  And I can't base my entire rationalization on things just on pure lust.

That's what I decided it was.

Lust.

He was cute.  I hadn't been with a man, properly, in…

God knows how long.

Greg, if you can hear me…

I hate you.

Oh yeah, and before I forget…

Happy birthday to me…

Happy birthday to me…

Happy birthday dear me…

Happy birthday to me.

I turned 27 today.  Twenty seven.  That's two tens and a seven.  That's nearly thirty.  God, I'm getting old…

June 19th, 6:00 PM

It's been so long since I've slept I don't even remember what day of the week it is.  I've been trying to fight off the nightmares.

The nightmares that have become way too frequent. 

And now, they're tearing me apart.

I don't know how he does it.  How is it, that someone you want so desperately to detach from can manage to appear, even in memory, to hover over every move you make, judging you? How is it, that after all this time, he still haunts me? What in God's name did I do to someone in some other lifetime that would make them want to put me through this?

Did I make some mistake when I was younger?

I mean, I've always been an insecure child.  When I was very small…well, not actually _small_-small.  I was very much overweight when I was a kid.  My parents weren't exactly what you'd call the best, but they occasionally tried.  My elder brother was always in their favor, though.  I hated him most of my childhood for it, though we both knew I didn't really.  My mom would always criticize everything I did, and Dad would just stand there and let her.  That's when I realized…

Nobody's perfect.

I always did seem to linger in my brother's shadow.  He was an honors student, he got wonderful grades, had a great girlfriend when he went off to college.  I was just a girl.  A little immature girl with nothing but hopes and dreams. Courteney and I had had a falling out, somewhat, and I had to deal with some of the pressure alone.  But I wasn't always alone.  I had a friend who helped me out a lot.  Her name was Rachel.  She had always been a rival of mine through high school, but we then took the time to really get to know each other.  We became very good friends.  But then, Rachel had to go away to college, across the country.  We didn't speak much after that.  I still do miss her, though now I have C back.  I lost touch with my brother, too.

*(Author's Note: I know you're confused right now, if you've read the 1st part, but keep reading, it'll make sense later)*

My mother was a whole other issue.  She saw me as that little girl for what seemed an eternity.  That is, up until the year before she died. She realized just how much pain she had caused me, when I let it slip that I was having suicidal thoughts.  I was upset about my standard-level grades, my lack of a love life, or any kind of life for that matter, and the fact that no matter how many diets I tried to put myself on, I couldn't lose weight.

That's when I turned back to C.  She helped me to get over everything.  She helped me lose weight.  She was the first one I called when Mom and Dad died in the car accident.  She hadn't forgotten about me, as I thought she would have.  But merely accepted what happened and was willing to forgive and forget.  That's what I love so much about her.  Her unconditional love.  No matter the circumstances.

Hey, sorry about that revelation.  I don't think I used to talk much about it.  

Where was I going with that?  I'll have to read back…

Oh yeah.

Anyway, I guess, when I went to college, I was desperately in need of a boyfriend, but I hadn't…

You know.

So I was a little nervous.  That's when I found Greg.  I suppose he was like a security blanket.  He protected me from everything that frightened me, which I think is the main reason I accepted his proposal only 11 months after we had started dating.  That's when everything started.  His drunk habits, and…Everything.  I hate talking about it.

But I hate him more.

That's the strongest word I can think of to use. 

Hate.

It contains so much emotion.  Built up anger and sadness exploding in one word.

Hate.

The one word I use to describe the only thing I sometimes think there is left to feel towards Greg.

Hate.

The one word I reserve for him, and everything he did to me.

Hate.

Which is why I'm not gonna talk about it anymore.  And that's that. Now…What to do for dinner…

June 21st, 8:00 AM

I still haven't slept.  Why is that? I don't know. 

Maybe I'll call Matthew.

8:30 AM

So…he wasn't home.  Probably still out on a date.  Or something.  

Only when I need him.

8:40 AM

I'm not supposed to be angry with him.  How the hell was he supposed to know when I was gonna be upset?  I guess I just need someone to blame for my unhappiness, and Greg isn't really an option anymore.  He would never care that I held him responsible for his own actions.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

10:00 AM

I'm thinking about moving.  There's this adorable apartment over on Bedford St. that I really would like to move into.  It turns out I have a grandmother who lives there.  But she's being moved to a retirement home, so she wants me to stay there instead.  

The only problem is that I don't know if I can afford it.

June 25th, 9:00 PM

Isn't that just luck??

I got promoted today!! I am a head chef!! I cannot believe it!! Isn't it freaky that just when I'm looking for a new place I can finally afford it?

Whoa.

Maybe I'll take the place.  It's going to be subletted to someone else if I don't get on with it.  That's it.  I'm just gonna do it.

Apartment 20, here I come.

June 30th, 11:00 AM

Oh my god.  This sucks.  You know what it is? It's cause I've been cursed.

I _got_ the apartment, no doubts about that.  And I'm going to be moving in soon…

It's just that…

Matthew has to move.  Cross country.

Do you know what happened the last time I knew someone who moved across the country?

Yeah, that was Rachel Green.  We never speak anymore. 

I don't know if I can handle that.  I don't want to lose him.  But…

He's going to go.

I don't want him to go! I don't want to lose the only man that I want in my life.  He promised he'd write me, but I know he won't.  He won't have time.

I'm really going to miss him.

July 4th, 10:00 PM

Matthew left.  Today.  On the frickin Fourth of July.  What's up with that?  God, I miss him already.  Why did he have to go?

We had a grill out at Brad's parents' house.  They're really nice people, but I'm starting to get the feeling that it isn't working out between Brad and Cee.  She doesn't look like she cares for him like she used to.  They might break up.  But I don't want to jinx anything so I won't talk to her about it.  I wonder what Matt's doing right now?  He's probably still on a plane, or in the airport. 

I miss him a lot.  Already.

This is gonna be tough to get over.

July 12th, 12:00 (noon)

I move in today.  I don't think I've been more excited in my life.  Ooh this is so great! 

Well, Cee's taking me out to lunch today.  So…Talk to ya later.

3:00 PM

Man, there are some _fine_ lookin' guys in this part of town.  I saw this guy outside by the street, and I was gonna talk to him, but he seemed to be flocked with women.  He had the _nicest arms.  And a cute lopsided smile.  Cee and I just stood there and stared at him for about five minutes before he noticed us and we hurried into this bar that was below my apartment complex.  There were a bunch of people in there, flocked around a sign by one of the windows.  I went over to read it, and it said that they were turning this place into something else.  If I remember correctly, it's going to be a coffeehouse.  I'd like that.  Kinda like Starbucks.  Only closer. _

We went back up to my place, and, well, we stood and talked for a while.  My entire place was covered in boxes, and so we didn't have anywhere to sit.  So Cee offered to help me. And now…

I'm in my room, and I just thought I'd write you.  Ooh hey, Cee needs me.  See ya soon.

8:00 PM

I'm actually mostly unpacked.  Cee and I worked for five straight hours, and we have the place pretty well finished.  I never realized how much kitchen stuff I bought.  It filled up all the shelves, and I have _a lot of shelf space in the kitchen.  You know what I'm missing, though?_

One of those little bottle opener magnets.  Maybe I should buy one someday.

9:00 PM

I'm not the least bit tired.  Laa dee daa.  What to do to get to sleep.  

Counting sheep?

9:15 PM

Nope.  That didn't work.  What else is there to do? Reading? Writing?

Well, I'm writing…

And I'm still not tired…

Okay, my wrist is starting to hurt, so I'm gonna go stare at the ceiling. 

'Night.

July 20th, 2:00 PM  
  
Hey, this is cool.  They've started on the coffeehouse below us.  It's really cool.  And it's got the cutest name.

Central Perk.

Isn't that adorable?

I wish Matt was here…He would have gotten a kick out of it.  And he probably would've cracked, like, seventeen jokes already about it within 3 minutes.

I miss him.

July 21st, 6:00 PM  
  
You know what I found out?

Greg isn't in jail or anything.  I didn't think about pressing charges…

I just let him get away with everything he did.  Why do I do that? He shouldn't be allowed to treat me this way.   Yeah, I'm gonna repeat myself for, like, the billionth time.  I hate him.

A lot.

You know what else I found out?

Cee just broke up with Brad.  She told me what a nice guy he was about it.  He wasn't having much fun anymore, either.  Which worked out okay for them.  She is a little bummed, though.  I don't blame her.  He was a great guy.

July 25th, 11:00 AM

Oh my god! I just got off the phone with my brother, Ross.  He's getting an apartment with his wife, Carol, in the city.  I'm really excited because now we can catch up on all the years we missed.  

Yeah, I realized in the beginning of my diary, I mentioned that I was an only child.  That's really how I thought I was, for a long time.  But after hearing his voice, I don't care that he stopped speaking to me for so long.  Now I just can't wait to get it back.  To be close to him again.  I know, I'm really confusing, but that's just the way things are in my life.

Confusing.

Well, on a lighter note, if you look at it the right way…

There are some pretty funny homeless people on the street.  Dancers.  Actors.  People who do weird stuff.  

Even people who don't look older than me.  Like the man I met over on 5th and Broadway, tap dancing for change.  Or this hippie girl outside of St. Mark's Comics who sang folk music about rats.  Or was it cats?

July 27th, 9:00 PM  
  
So, I went to visit Cee in her apartment.  It was the first time I had been over there since I moved everything out.  I was going to ask her as soon as I got there if she had attached bars to her windows, when I found out the answer without inquiring. I stepped in.

Broken glass.

A trashed apartment.

And Courteney.

On the floor.

Bleeding and unconscious.

~~~

And that's part two!! Ya gotta review or the next part won't come!! But don't worry…I trust you to review!! But be nice!! ~*Monnie Bee*~


	3. Alone

Monica's Diary ~*~Part III~*~

By Monica Bing

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah…don't own them…Blah blah blah…But of course…I own the characters that aren't on Friends…duh…

Author's Note: Look, I know you're getting impatient with me about my lack of other Friends characters, but they _will_, and I repeat, they _will_ be in the next chapter.  I promise!  This chapter kind of drags on, so if you just want to skip to the ending (which I **don't** recommend) you can…Ciao for now, brown cow…

~~~

July 28th, 4:00 AM

As my good friend Elvis Presley would say, 

I'm all shook up.

I don't think I have completely recovered from the shock, when I found her.  I nearly fainted, and stumbled on my way to the phone.  I called 911 immediately, and though I knew I had done everything I could, I still felt there was something I had forgotten to do.  What was it? I still haven't figured it out.

I ran over to her, gathering her in my arms gently, trying to wake her.  She wouldn't even stir.

The paramedics arrived minutes after I had called them, and C was whisked away to a hospital, with myself in the back next to her.  She still wouldn't come 'round, and I was numb with fear, nervousness, and overall, anger towards whomever had done this to her.

I assumed it was Greg, considering he was the only person I could think of who would behave this way.

We reached the hospital quickly, though for Cee and I, I was fairly sure the time passed as several eternities.  After waiting in the lobby for the longest two hours of my life, a doctor exited one of the rooms and came to address me.

"Monica," he said.

I looked up at him, my face strewn with tears and a look that contained a tiny ray of hope.

"Your friend, Courteney, she has fallen into a coma."

"W-what?" I was unable to register what he said, in my mind.  I had feared the worst, and gotten it nearly as badly. 

"Courteney Fitzgerald, the woman you took to the hospital.  She has fallen into a coma.  The doctors are doing everything they can to try and get her back, but we don't know how long it is going to take."  He repeated, slowly.

"O-oh…" was all I could say.

"I'm sorry."

Yeah.  He's sorry.  I feel better!

By the way, I know writing can't really show that, but that was sarcasm.

You know, I don't think it's even worth saying you're sorry if you don't truly mean it.

And I know it was just part of his job.  So I sort of scoffed at him, and the moment I saw him pass through the door, I broke down and ran out of the hospital, screaming and crying. 

The only person I knew who was able to calm me down, was Cee.  And now, she was the one I was upset over.  And Matthew's gone.

I have no one.

All alone.

Did…he…know this?

Greg…Did he know that I would be alone? I don't want to be alone in my apartment.  I need to stay at a hotel or something.  Or go to Ross' house.

That's it.  He'll help.

But..

He doesn't know about it.

I can't go to _him_! Oh what do I do…What, do I do?

I have to face the night alone.

9:00 AM

Nope.  I can't sleep.  Not at all.  I don't think I could have been more tired, but I am so scared to death that death itself might come through my window in the night.  Death, of course, being Greg.

I am convinced he did it.  But I'm not about to falsely accuse.  He knew he could get away with it all along.  Since the only witness was Cee, and she couldn't say anything, he could make his escape.  He knew I wouldn't 'tattle' on him.

God, I am so alone.

Never in my life have I felt as alone as I feel now…

Maybe I'll just go out and have breakfast…

Alone.

12:00 (noon)

I'm sitting in my apartment.

Alone.

Writing in a diary.

Alone.

Listening to the radio.

Alone.

But I don't even know what I'm listening to.  I'm not concentrating on anything, really.  I'm not even sure what I'm writing anymore.  It's just nonsense.  I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

I can't do anything.

I miss Cee so much…And I'm so scared that I'm going to lose the only person I have left.

I'm going to go visit her.

Alone.

4:00 PM

It's hopeless.  She's so far beyond gone, I don't even feel like I'm talking to her.  I feel like I'm talking to a Barbie doll, or a stuffed animal.  I feel like a kid who misses their mommy.  I don't like feeling this way, and I want my friend back.

But she's not coming.

I don't want to lose hope.  I can't.  The only way that I'll ever get any sleep is knowing that tomorrow she might wake up.  That tomorrow might be the day that she opens her eyes.  The day I look at her and see my friend.  My best friend.  

The day I find out who did this to her.  

The day that that person will wish that they had never even thought about going anywhere near my Courteney.

July 30th, 7:00 PM

I was walking down the street today.

Alone.

And I saw so many people pass me.  After what happened to Cee, I don't think I could have been more paranoid.

I carried with me no money, so I couldn't be robbed.  I had a knife in my purse and mace in my pocket.  I even went out and bought a panic whistle to go on my keyring, even though I don't own a car.  I'm scared.

And so alone.

What's happening to me? Why am I so messed up?

I need someone.  Anyone.  I need comfort, warmth, and protection.

You know what _I _ need?

I need a companion.

I'm going to the pet store…I'll talk to you tomorrow.

July 31st, 8:00 PM

It's been too long.

Since I've smiled.  Since I've been happy.

You know what's happening right now? I have a puppy in my lap.

Asleep.  He's so cute! I named him Grommit, G for short.  Named after one of Matthew's favorite television characters.  God, it still hurts just thinking about him.  He meant so much to me, and I don't know how I'll ever get over losing him.  He's the most wonderful guy I know.  I guess…I miss having a man in my life, but I've lost all desire to commit to any kind of relationship.  I don't want to get back into that…

He's ruined me.  Greg ruined me.  He scared me out of ever wanting to be with another man again.

I just want to be able to move on.  To get past it.  Everything.  I'm going to go visit Cee.

Better put G in his kennel.  See you soon.

11:00 PM

I want so badly to speak to her.  I went into her room just a while ago, and saw her laying there.  She wasn't moving at all.  I mean, she was breathing, but none of her other muscles did anything.  Until about 2 minutes before I left the room.  She twitched, and I immediately looked up and saw her sweating and her face looked scared.  I could tell without seeing her eyes that she felt threatened by something.  I guessed it was her reliving her attack.  Probably receiving it from Greg.  That bastard.  I hate him so much.  If I ever find him, he's gonna wish he was never born.

Wait…what am I talking about? I'll never be able to lay a finger on him, he controls me, even after the divorce.  He knows if I try to get near him, he'll kill me.  I know he will.  What kind of a sick twisted person puts the one he vowed to love forever and ever through so much pain, just for his own benefit?  I don't even think he ever loved me.  I think he saw me as easy bait, and thought he could get away with this.

Well, he was right.  I'm helpless.  I'm scared, and alone.

Well, not _totally_ alone.  G's still here.  He's good company, even if I do have to take him outside all the time.  But I see the playfulness in his eyes, the look I saw in Matt.

Matthew, my dear sweet Matthew, do you ever think of me?  Do you remember my face?  I see you every day, when I think of you.  But I can't help but feel the pain you put me through when you left.  I miss you.

Come back to me.

August 1st, 10:00 PM

I need a shoulder to cry on.  What happened to everything that I had in my life? I had two best friends, one of whom I was getting to know about as more than a friend, I had an ex-husband who hadn't come near me, until…that night.  And I had, well, still have, a wonderful job, with a wonderful apartment.  It just doesn't feel the same when you are missing out on being social.  I don't want to go anywhere except to visit Cee, and to get coffee at Central Perk.  Those are the two places I go to.  I even have my groceries delivered to my apartment, through special request.  I don't like public places, but I know I can trust the hospital, and Central Perk is such a homey place.  I love the smell of coffee.  It warms me from the inside out.  But I miss the times when that feeling washed over you just because you woke up.  Or because the sun was shining in your window.  Or just because you thought about being with the one you love.

Who knew that life never goes like that?  I certainly didn't.

Life really is as bad as some people say.

I wish I weren't who I am.

August 9th, 9:00 PM

I go to see Courteney every day now.  She's not doing any better, and we've done everything we can to try and reach her, but she never responds.  I just sit there and tell her how my day was, and how I felt about everything.  I still confided in her as if she were still around, but I know I'm going to have to tell her everything again when she wakes up.  I can't stand the way things are.  She looks like she's always in pain.  And she has nightmares all the time.  I can sense it.  It's one of those best-friend things. What did Dido say?

_I can't breathe_

_Until you're resting here with me_

Sounds about right.  I can't.  She means more to me than anyone ever did.  I'm not about to lose her without putting up every fight that I can manage.  She's not going anywhere until I say so.  And I'm not going to say so.

August 10th, 10:00 PM

Home is so boring.  Grommit always wants to either sleep, eat, play, or go to the bathroom.  I guess dogs don't have hobbies.

I sit in Central Perk for hours, just reading the magazines, but I'm not really reading them.  I think about everything.  How much I've lost in such a short time.  But mostly about Matt and Cee.  I need them more than anything, and the thought of being without them is terrifying.  Matt's already as good as gone, and Cee, well…She kind of can't do anything.  But I don't blame her.  Not one bit.  I think I'll go see her again.  I know, I went earlier today, but I need to talk to her about stuff.  She's my confidante.  I'm not going to act different just because she can't hear me.

12:00 (midnight)

Hospitals are so clean.  The people scare me a little.  And Cee's room is ice cold, and the chairs are, too.  But I sat anyway.  I talked to her for about half an hour, about everything.  Matt, and how much I miss him.  Greg, and how I want to kill him.  But mostly about her, and how I'd do anything to be able to hear her voice again.  Sadly, I turned to leave.  I always left like this. Missing her.  Knowing that I'd just be going back to my apartment, to be with my little puppy, and to brood over things that I cannot change.  I sighed deeply again, and on my way out of the room, something stopped me.   A sound.

"Monica?"

~~~

Well, that's part three, folks…I know I lied about the 25 reviews thing…but that's cause I was getting impatient… heh…allright, just review! 

Oh, and love to my dear dear buddies, pals, and fellow whores and alcoholics at the CCAMB

~*Smon*~


	4. Reunion?

Monica's Diary  ~*Part IV*~

By: Monica Bing

Disclaimer: Whoa…what's THAT doing here? It couldn't be. . . my ownership of 'Friends', could it? *checks*  . . .nope.  Well, it'd make a good birthday present! Plus, there's some lines in there that aren't Friends related, most people who watch ANY good movies will get the reference J.

Author's Note: I know, I know, FINALLY!  They're here, all the questions are FINALLY over.  There are now characters that you know! Thank you SO much, people who waited around! It's all worth it! I promise! Okay.… Before I get all. . .  Long, with the A/N, let's get to the goods . . .

---------------------

  
~ Where we last left off ~

I sighed deeply again, and on my way out of the room, something stopped me   A sound.

"Monica?"

I whipped around, and my face lit up.  Courteney had opened her eyes.  She could speak.  I felt a wave of relief rush through me, and the one thing I wanted to do the most was to hug her tightly.  But of course, I knew I couldn't do that.  So I followed my instincts.

"Courteney! You're awake!" I exclaimed, feeling the tears of joy pricking at my eyes.  I walked cautiously over to her bed, and took her hand. "Doctor! Doctor Marshall! Courteney's awake!" I yelled.  Seconds later, he appeared, and smiled as well.

She and I sat and talked for what seemed hours upon hours.  I couldn't stop talking.  I felt that I needed to fill her in on everything that happened the last couple of weeks.  I thought she needed to know.  But it was all silly things, like, the fact that I bought a hazelnut latte at Central Perk the other day.  I mean, I had to explain exactly what Central Perk _was, but that was beside the point.  Hopefully she'll be able to come home soon.  You can't even comprehend how much I missed her.  It was as if someone had ripped out a piece of my heart, and held it captive in a jar; a jar that could only be opened when someone felt like it.  It was the same way I felt when Matthew left, but about two hundred times worse.  Most people will never experience that._

But, as I read in a book somewhere…You can never really love until you risk getting hurt.

So true.

August 16th, 2:00 PM

The guys at Iridium let me take the day off, because Cee is coming home.  Home.  I think I'm going to have her stay with me.  For a little while.  I mean, why in God's name would I put her back where she was?  She was attacked there, and so was I.  I want to know who her attacker was, but I don't seem to have the courage to ask her.  

I fear the answer.

I don't think I want to know if it was my ex-husband or not.  I mean, would you?

9:00 PM

She's staying with me, at least for the night, and I don't know where I'm going to put her afterwards, but we didn't really talk about that.  We had other things on our minds.  Earlier today, I approached her while she was reading a magazine on my couch.

"Cee?" I asked, sitting down next to her.  She put down the magazine.

"Yeah? What's up?"

"Um…about…the…the - you know…" I finished lamely.

"Oh, you mean, my attacker?"

I nodded.

"That was Greg's doing allright."

I just broke down and cried right then.  How the hell could he do this to us? You know, this doesn't happen when you have bodyguards.  Like Matthew.  He protected me from anything, and he would've protected Cee.  It was just luck.  And I hated it.  I wanted to bring myself to hate Matthew for it, but I couldn't.  I had too much love to twist it around to hate.  But Greg, on the other hand…

I lost all love for him ages ago.  The first time he hit me, I lost all love I had for him.  I just knew, as soon as he did it, that he meant to hurt me, and that was not what is supposed to happen in a relationship.  Sometimes, relationships have their bumps and hills, but they usually use words, not fists.  And it pisses me off, to know that he may not have felt love for me ever.  It chills me to my very core.  The man I was with from my 'first time' onward, may never have felt anything for me.  Well, I sure as hell felt it, why didn't he?

I felt so ashamed to be crying in front of her.  She had been through a lot herself, though she wasn't conscious for the whole time.  She _was_ attacked, though.  And it pisses me off.  That's just my phrase.  My motto.  But it was so demoralizing, especially for a third person looking upon us.  One person was crying in the arms of someone who had just gotten out of a damn coma.  What's up with that?  

We rocked back and forth, and I heard her crying after a minute or two.  Such a very long time later, we had stopped crying, but were still sniffling.  This was all Greg's fault.  All his doing.  I hate him.  How can he call himself a human being, if he feels nothing for the people whom he caused so much pain and suffering? How can someone be so heartless?  I didn't know it to be possible.  I guess that's another of life's incomprehensible ironies. I wonder if I'll ever get past that.

August 29th, 7:30 PM

That is too creepy.  Well, before I share, I have to fill you in on some good news.  Cee got a new place, which, in my opinion, is awesome, thank you very much.  However, she lives a lot further away than I had hoped, and so we can't get together as often.

The creepy thing is, her old place.  She subletted it to an older woman, knowing the history of the apartment.  The woman was robbed several days later.

Is that creepy or what?

Obviously, she left, because she didn't trust the security of the place (would you?), and so it's back up again.  I doubt she'll be able to get rid of it.  Poor dear.

Ha, ha.  I've always wanted to say that.

September 8th, 11:00 PM

Well, a lot has happened since last we wrote. 

Another woman went out for Cee's old place.  Of course, it was very inexpensive, so you can't blame her there.  But she knew about the background, and what happened to three of the people before her who stayed there. _Three people_.  Is she crazy?

So, naturally, I went to do the good deed, and get her out before she was in.

I arrived at Cee's apartment around quarter after three just this afternoon.  The place looked deserted, and very…well…icky.  There wasn't much else to say about it.  And you know, there was something in the air that wasn't right.  I could tell as soon as I walked in.  And I looked up and around, as if I wanted to see something.  Seconds later, someone spoke behind me.

"Yeah, the aura in this place is really murky."

I jumped.

Spinning around, I was just about to pull the mace that I carried with me out of my coat pocket, but I noticed a woman in front of me with a shocked look on her face.  She threw her hands up.

"Hey, hey, hey! You're getting all chaotic and twirly…and not in the good way.  I didn't mean to startle you."

I relaxed, and let out the air that I didn't know I had been keeping in.

"Sorry," I said, pulling my hand out of my jacket and extending it.  "I'm Monica Geller.  My best friend used to own this place."

"Phoebe Buffay."  She replied, shaking my hand.  I smiled, and she turned around to get her things at the door.  I took this chance to look at her.  She was a definite blonde, and her hair hung to her shoulders.  She wore a long skirt, and a very loose fitting top, and clunky shoes, almost like a hippie.  She had on a _lot of rings, and I noticed that her luggage consisted of three pieces: A large handbag, a sports bag of some sort, and a guitar case.  She looked extremely poor.  I finally put two and two together.  She was the homeless woman I saw singing outside of St. Mark's.  I almost 'aha'd out loud._

"So," she said, interrupting my thoughts, "Are you going for this place, then?"

"Uh, no," I stuttered.  Well, this was it.  "I'm actually here for something else.  You see, Courteney and I were both attacked in this apartment.  By the same man.  And another woman was robbed here, we're assuming by this same person.  And we'd - well, I'd - really  advise you _not to get this place.  And I know that it's silly of me to deprive her of the money, but I feel it's the right thing to do.  You can come stay with me, if you'd like.  I have a spare room, and I'll only ask you to pay a quarter of rent."_

She smiled, genuinely, and then her expression changed to determination.  She sat for a minute or two, considering.  Then she looked back at me.

"Allright, I'll do it."

September 10th, 8:00 PM

Phoebe is finally moved in.  But that wasn't too hard, as she barely brought anything with her.

She's had a tough life, from what I've learned of her.  Her mother committed suicide when she was just fourteen, and she lost touch with her twin sister, Ursula, from about then on.  They hadn't gotten along well before that, apparently, anyway.  And she came to New York.  She moved in with an albino man a little while after that, but he committed suicide as well.  She was forced to live on the streets, where she was a freelance massage therapist.  She sounded very Bohemian, and it was pretty sad to hear about her past, but it also gives me a weird sense of respect for her.  Phoebe's a really strong person.  I could tell that at first glance.  It's one of those things you just know.  Kind of like the fact that she is convinced she's psychic, and has lived in past lives.  But that's what makes her special.

"You're amazingly self-assured.  Did anyone ever tell you that?"  I had asked her earlier.

"I tell myself that everyday."

I started to do that, too.

September 15th, 5:45 PM

Cee and Pheebs met today.  It was one of the most humorous experiences I've ever had in my life.  We all went out for coffee, at Central Perk this afternoon, and, sitting on the huge, faded, but amazingly comfortable orange couch, we waited for our orders.

"So," Cee shifted.  I could tell she was getting uncomfortable. "Phoebe, what do you do for a living?"  
  
"I'm a masseuse."

"Oh.  Hey, could you give me free massages?"  She grinned.

"Well, only after the twelfth of the month, and if my fingernails have grown less than two millimeters since four nights before, then, allright."

Cee just stared at her.  I had to hold my own nose and clamp my lips shut to keep from bursting into laughter.  C cleared her throat, and spoke again.

"So, um, where did you live before this?"  
  
"St. Marks Comics."  
  
"You mean, up in the complexes up near there?"  
  
"No.  Outside of the building."

I should have told her some stuff about Phoebe before we came here.

September 11th, 9:11 PM

Well, today wasn't at all what you'd call interesting.  But I stayed home after work.  I didn't go anywhere.  I guess, I thought it would be symbolic if I stayed in and paid some sort of tribute to the people of our country who died on this day.  They should call it 'World Freedom Day' or something.  Or something to do with freedom, or patriots, or something.  Anyway, Grommit and I napped together on the couch after watching the news.  It was a boring evening, but it was peaceful.  I need that kind of break every once in a while.

September 13th, 7:23 PM

Friday the thirteenth.  My lucky day.  And boy was it lucky.

Of course, I had gotten a very good night's sleep last night, because I had nothing to do, so I had an early start.  Work was good, and I managed to get two people back to the kitchens to compliment the chef.  That felt awesome.  I love that part of the whole chef thing.  Praise is a lovely thing.  Anyway, I got home from work, and had a couple of grocery bags blocking my view.  Since Cee has been back, and I have Phoebe, I'm not really afraid to go out or anything.  I don't know why their presence affects me.  All I could see was the door to my apartment, and so, with a little stumbling, I managed to set them down on the kitchen table.  I tripped over a cardboard box on my way back down the hall again, heading to the mailbox.  I got downstairs, and reached into my purse to get my key.  I couldn't find it, so I kept walking, digging through my purse, when I bumped into a man.  I looked up into two brown eyes.

"Oops, sorry." I said.

"It's quite allright, miss, uh …" he was implying that I tell him my name.

"Monica." 

"Oh, hello.  I'm Kip.  I'm moving in upstairs."  I shook his hand.

"Well, hi neighbor."

"Right back at ya."

I grabbed my mail, and headed up the stairs again, turning to wave at Kip, whose eyes I felt watch me leave.  I walked a little bit quicker.  I felt a little judged under his gaze, but he was indeed attractive.  I got to the top of the stairs, and turned the corner.  Another cardboard box had appeared in the hallway.  I headed towards my apartment door, when I saw the back of a man's head.  It was sandy brown, and he was walking with his hands in the pockets of his khaki pants.  I was stunned.

"Matthew?"  I stared, wide eyed.  He turned around.

"I'm sorry.  My name's Chandler." He extended his hand towards me, "It's a pleasure to meet you."


	5. Nerves

Monica's Diary  ~* Part V *~

A/N: You know, I'm not exactly sure how much longer this fic is going to be, but I'm assuring you, it's not going to be TOO drawn out ... Well, where we last left our darling little Monica... 

------

"Matthew?"  I stared, wide eyed.  He turned around.

"I'm sorry.  My name's Chandler." He extended his hand towards me, "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"I-uh…um…hi." I stammered. I felt my ears getting hot, and I shook his hand.  He looked almost exactly like Matthew. I swear, the two could've been twins.

I couldn't let this man go.

"So, do you have a name, or something? Or should I just call you…Hey, or what?"

"Oh, sorry. I'm Monica Geller.  It seems we're going to be neighbors."  

My GOD I hope we'd be at least a little more than that, if anything.

"It seems so."

His hands darted back into his pockets, and she smiled at the ground.

"So, uh, do you - " he started, but Kip came up the stairs before he could finish his sentence. He was carrying several boxes, and one of them looked quite heavy.

"Hey, Chandler, could you give me a hand with this, man?"  Chandler rushed over to take the top couple of boxes.  His arms were, oddly, quite muscular, over his thin structure.  He looked _so_ much like Matthew, it was almost unnerving.

I slipped back into my apartment before anyone else could say anything.  I actually went back in so that I could spy on them without looking like I was avoiding something.  They were both quite attractive, and I'm pretty glad that they live so close.  We could have so much fun. 

Phoebe snuck up behind me. And tapped me on the shoulder.  It scared me to death.

You wanna know the weird thing?  I didn't freak out as much as I did when Matt did it.  It makes ya wonder, doesn't it?  Whether I might be growing up, or something.

Nah.

September 14th, 3:00 PM

Interesting…Well, not really a surprise, but something else shocked me about it.  

You're wondering what the heck I'm talking about, aren't you?

Kip asked me out.  Now, I'm telling you, he was sending me signals all over the place, there's no doubt about that, and it wasn't really a shocker.  But it was something else that freaked me out a bit.

I said yes.

I _never_ go on dates.  This is my very first date since…well, since Greg.  God, I even shudder at his name.  I hope I never have any more run ins with that bastard.  He needs to just go.  Get out of my life, and my thoughts, and my dreams, so I'm not scared of him anymore.  He's the reason I don't go out at nighttime.

He's the reason that I keep my opinions to myself.

He's the reason that I'm who I am.  And I hate myself for ever getting involved with him.

But hey, on a lighter note, which I need right about now…Yeah, allright, it's not _much_ lighter, but it's a start, anyway…

Kip and I are going out tonight, and I'm scared to death for so many reasons.  Well, first off, he's a guy I don't know very well, he's my neighbor, I'm not _as attracted to him as he is me, but still, and you know, he's the first date I've had since Greg.  And on top of that, we're going out at night, alone, together.  It frightens me.  He has so much control over what happens tonight that I'm not sure if I even want to go through with it.   I hope everything's okay.  Please, Lady Luck, bring me __something.  I'm desperate here._

11:00 PM

Okay, okay, so it wasn't _too_ bad.  Well, not as horrible as I had thought up.  But I did make a fool of myself.  I know nothing about who I am.  It's funny, when someone asks you personal questions, and you don't even know how to answer them.

Well, not everything was bad.  Pheebs and I had so much fun picking out clothes, and she did my hair.  Though she did want me to wear this odd looking green thing to dinner, she's not a bad stylist.  She just has different taste, I guess.  It's a lot more free, and it kind of says, "You think I give a damn what you think?"

I like it.

It was so funny, we couldn't decide which perfume to use, and it got me all smelled up, and the scents kind of mixed together, which was odd, but it actually didn't make a bad combination.  It was kind of a melon-y, fruit-y sort of thing.  But it worked.  Yeah, allright, enough about the perfume.  I finally got this cute little blue dress.  Both Phoebe and Chandler thought it brought out my eyes.

Sometimes, I get the feeling that Chandler might be gay, or something.  

Maybe it's his hair.

Who knows.  Well, we went to Ernie's for dinner, which was pretty  nice, but he kept asking me all this stuff about myself, and it made me a little uncomfortable.  I definitely wasn't ready to let him know why my marriage hadn't worked out, but he asked, anyway.  I got so nervous, and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom.  I must've been so desperate.  Do you know how dirty those places get?

Well, we had to leave kind of early, because I felt a little nauseous.  I told him that I probably shouldn't be eating lobster, and that he should take me home.  I'm so lame sometimes.  Phoebe insisted that I go to bed early, though I told her it was just an act so that I could come home.  She didn't believe me, because I had tried really hard around Kip to make it look like I was really sick, so she made me some chicken soup.  Well, she's a vegetarian, so it was basically just noodle soup.  But, there was no chicken in the broth.

She just called it "noodle water".  Phoebe cracks me up.

I wonder when I'm going to tell her about Greg and the 'incident'.  Well, 'incidents'.

Soon enough.

September 18th, 10:00 AM

I have another date tonight.  With Kip, duh.  It's our third, already.  Geez, I don't think I can take the "third date" pressure.  You know how it is.  The first date, with all the awkwardness and first impressions; the second, where you actually get to _know the person; and the third, supposedly the "sex date".  Well, in a normal society, it would be._

Um, he had better not be thinking I'll be doing any of that!

Not for a while, anyways.  I don't trust him enough to tell him about Greg, let alone allow him to be the only other man I've ever been with.  Yeah, right.  He may treat me like other girls initially, but I know where I'm limiting him, and he had better figure it out.  I don't know what's gonna happen, though.  Pheebs isn't going to be home when our date should be over. God, _breathe, woman.  Inhale, exhale.  That's it._

The night could never be that bad.  Plus, I have all day, well, almost all day, to prepare.

Breathe, Monica.  Breathe.

5:00 PM

Oh my God.  It's two hours until Kip gets here.  I'm totally not prepared for this.  I've never been so nervous since my wedding day…

Man, that's not a good omen.

Oh, well.  I talked to Chandler a couple of times before about it, and he's told me that Kip's an allright guy.  I think he knows that I'm afraid.  But he's not acting superior to me.  I really appreciate that.

God, I'm so nervous.  I guess I'll take a walk.  I'll write you after the date.  Wish me luck!

12:00 (midnight)

I don't think anything can get any worse.  Well, allright, it can.  But it doesn't seem like it.  Okay, recap.  Up to before the date, around when I left the apartment at 5, which is the last time I wrote, here's your update.

After I left, I headed down to the mailroom, and of course, it's junk, bill, ick.  Whatever those awful people send me to deprive me of the joy that we all like to call money.  Horrid.  Anyway, I was on my way back up, when I passed by apartment 19.  Chandler and Kip's place.  I heard someone yell, and of course, I wanted to know what was going on.

Okay, curiosity may have killed the cat, but it never killed me before, so I figured, what the heck?  I pressed my ear up against the door.  I heard them both arguing.

"Chandler, what are you talking about?" Kip's voice probably could have been heard clearly if I was in my own apartment.  Chandler spoke more softly.

"Kip, be quiet! We're not out in the middle of nowhere!"

"I'll yell if I want to! Now, why would you say that to me? Do you think I'm some sort of prick?"

"I never said that!"

"Yeah, well you were thinking it."

"All I said was for you to be patient with her.  She's obviously been through something in her past that's shaken her up a bit."

"How would you know that?  Did she tell you?"

"No."

"You can't live off of assumptions, Chandler."

"It's not just an assumption.  I can just sense it.  I see it in her eyes.  You know, eyes, Kip.  Those two gorgeous blue things she has about eight inches above where you were staring."

"Shut up!"

"Well, I can tell.  Can't you?"

"I don't know.  Maybe."

"Maybe?  Gee, Kip, you can't just live off of maybe's."

"Oh, get out."

"What?"

"I said get out!  I'm not gonna sit here and let you lecture me on what I can and cannot do when I'm dating someone."

"Kip, this is my apartment.  If you want someone to leave, it's gonna be you."

"Fine!"

I backed away from the door as quickly as I could, darting back into my apartment when I heard footsteps.  I heard the door open a moment later, and stomps down the stairs.  It was only after a minute after I was sure the noise had dimmed, that I dared to open my door.  Chandler's door was still opened, and I could see him in the reflection of the television.  He had his head in his hands, and he looked really upset.  I wanted to go over and console him, but I hesitated.  What if he found out I had been eavesdropping.  And not only that, but I had been eavesdropping while they were talking about me.  Talk about ouch.  I decided to risk it, and left to cross the hall.  I don't think he heard me come in.  He sounded almost as if he were crying, but I doubted it.  I approached him, sitting in his barcalounger.  I put my hands on his shoulders, and he looked up quickly at me.  His expression softened when he saw me.  He has always had an odd sort of calm and serene-ness about him.

"Shh. Just relax." I whispered.  He let his hands fall, and he slumped back against his chair.  I continued to rub his shoulders for a while, just letting him nearly fall asleep.  We've always had a wonderful connection, without words even.  I didn't get that with guys.  Well, I got that with Matthew, but it was never like this.  We have only known each other for a little over a week, and I feel like I've known him for years.  It made me feel good to know that I can still have that with someone, after what I went through with "The Bastard".  I've decided to call him that.  TB.  So if I mention that, you'll know what I'm talking about.  Moving right along.  

I didn't know it, but Phoebe told me a while later that she had been standing at the doorway, watching us.  She said she wouldn't be surprised if we were already secretly married in Tibet.  Of course, it made no sense, but I got what she was implying.  We are pretty compatible.  But I don't want to risk screwing anything up.  I've worked so hard to get this far after my marriage, something like this could make it all tumble downhill, and I can't pick up the pieces so many times, before I lose one.  Well, before you get too relieved, there is still a date to go through.

Kip "picked me up" right on time, as he only lived right across the hall, and we went out to the movies.  I don't even remember what we saw, I was so nervous.  He put his arm around me about twenty minutes into the film, and his hand drifted lower and lower during the entire movie, until it was practically on my breast.  I was afraid to move, for fear that I might upset him or something.  It was oddly unsettling.  I just wanted it all to end so that I could go home.  Even if I _was_ alone.  But nooo… Kip had to invite himself in, to sit and watch the news.  What is the harm in going to your own apartment? It's 20 feet away, for cryin' out loud!  But, I gave him something to drink, and we sat and chatted.  For a while.  I got the eerie feeling that he was drifting towards me, and I tried to scoot backwards, but I managed to reach the edge of the sofa.  I tried not to think anything of it, until I felt his hand on my thigh.  I looked down at it, and then  back up at him, and he was smiling.

I, on the other hand, was not.

He looked very comfortable.

I was _so_ not.

He leaned in and kissed me on the lips.  It was quick, and I hoped that that was all he was going to do, but when I noticed he only pulled away for a moment, only to lean back in again, I moved.

He had hit my boundary.  I wasn't even prepared for one kiss, and that's as far as I've gotten with anyone else, besides TB.

"I think you should go."  I said, avoiding his eyes, and moving his hand off of my thigh, shifting my weight on the couch.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I'd like you to leave."

"Aww, what's the rush?"

I didn't have a rush.  I just wanted him out of my apartment as quickly as I could.  This was to end now.

"I really think you should go."

He put his hands on my thighs again, and started gliding up and down the inside of them.

"Come on, it'll be fun."  

Not unless nightmares are fun.

------

Okie dokie! You know the drill ... Mwah! I love you all for being so patient with me!


	6. Rescued

Monica's Diary  ~* Part VI *~

A/N:  This is the sixth part of my (now finished) nine part series! I'm sorry for taking so long to get up this chapter, but since I'm finished writing, it won't take me long to get the rest up! : )  Urmmm...right! The fic! Have fun with this one...

-----

 "Come on, it'll be fun."  

Not unless nightmares are fun.

"Just go, Kip.  Go."

"You know you want to."  He whispered, coming closer to me.

His face was inches from mine.  I could feel his breath on my face.  It smelled like popcorn.  Didn't he have any mints?

I wanted to tell him so, but I was too frightened.  Instead, I looked intently down at my hands.

"No, I don't.  Please, just leave."

"But, I love you."

I knew that the moment those words reached my ears, they meant nothing.  It was a con to get me into bed.

I wasn't falling for that one.

"No, you don't.  Kip, stop, I don't want anything to do with you anymore.  Go.  Get out."

My voice was shaking.  He sensed my fears, and used this to his advantage, taking my wrists into his hands.

"I'm not going anywhere." He said, just as firmly as he held me.

I felt tears pricking at my eyes, and, not much later, falling down my cheeks.  I was so ashamed.  How did I manage to be with this guy? Why? Why, after all of my recovery, have I ended up back where I was?

"P-please, Kip.  Let me go."  I sobbed, trying to move.  Nothing.

"Not until I've had my fun." He chuckled.  I tried to yell for help, but all that came out was a strangled cry, and it was as quiet as a whisper.

"N-no, please…"

I hated begging, but it was all I could do.  I was too frightened to fight him.

"You're mine now, my blue-eyed girl."

Greg used to say that.

September 19th, 3:30 AM

I couldn't sleep, again.  Well, of course, why wouldn't I be able to?  I guess I'll tell you the rest, since I'm up, and I left you hanging like that.  Basically, in a nutshell…

Aw, nobody cares about nutshells, anyway. Back to ten o'clock last night…

Well, almost a second after he said that, he kissed me.  My eyes were open, and tears were still falling.  His hands still held my wrists tightly, and, as I figured out later, left bruises on my arms.  I just sat rigid, and let him kiss me.  I tried to move, but his legs held mine still.

It seemed like he'd done this before.

I felt myself fainting, but he grabbed my breast and I snapped back to attention.  I wanted to scream.  He was hurting me, but his lips wouldn't leave mine.  I thought I heard rustling in the corner, and my eyes darted around the room.

That's when I saw Grommit.

He was sitting outside my bedroom door, looking at us.  I'm sure he saw the pain and fear in my eyes.

He started barking.  Loudly, and uncontrollably.

I love that dog.

Kip tensed, and then I heard the front door swing open.  I was so smart for not habitually locking it.

I promised myself that I'd keep the door unlocked from then on.

It was Chandler, thank God.  He was furious, when he saw I was crying.

"Bastard!" he screamed, coming over to the sofa.  He picked Kip up and practically threw him out the door.

"Get the fuck out! I want you gone by morning!  Pack! Now!" He yelled.  Kip was sprawled on the floor, holding his knee.  Chandler was fuming.

"But - " he tried to explain.

"I don't want anything to do with you anymore!" I almost smiled at his choice of words.  But I was not in a smiling mood. "Go! Before I throw you out empty-handed!  You sick fuck! Go!"  Chandler looked more betrayed than Kip did.  It was horrible to see him that way.  I wanted to hug him, but my body refused to move me, and the tears were still falling.  I was so angry with Kip.  I swear, I would have killed him, had my muscles let me.

Chandler slammed the door in his face, and locked it.  He then wheeled around and came back over to the sofa, where I was.  His expression had changed completely, but he was still red in the face.

"Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

"Just my wrists."

I held them up, and then curled myself into a ball on the sofa.  I was so miserable.  I was shaking and sobbing.  I wanted Chandler to hug me, but I was so disgusted with myself that I didn't want him to touch me.

"Oh, Mon…" he whispered, and tried to put his hand on my back.  I winced, and he pulled his hand away quickly.  "Sorry…" he stuttered, and sat down beside me.  He handed me the tissues, and I took a couple silently.  He sat with me while I cried, not saying a word.  Just sitting, until I had calmed.

For that, I'm so grateful.

He never ceases to amaze me.  Though he's probably the most sarcastic and witty guy I've ever met, he just seems to know, when it's not the right time.  The best friends are those who speak to you without words.  He handles that like an art.

You know, he really rescued me last night.  Just as Matt had, in a similar situation.

I told you…they're so alike.  Except that I wasn't attracted to Matt, in _that way._

Chandler, on the other hand…

I'm going to try and get some sleep.

9:00 AM

Why in the world can't I get a decent night's sleep?  It's like, I don't even get tired.  I just…don't sleep.  I'm not sure why.  I guess, some part in me is just afraid to go to sleep or something…who knows.

Well, the meteorologists predict sunny weather today! So I think I'm going to go for a walk with my Super Puppy.  That dog saved my life.  He's not going anywhere. I can't decide what to have for breakfast, though.  Bacon or eggs…hmm.

As you can see, I am attempting not to talk about the thing that you think that I was going to talk about.  But, see, I'm tricky.  I'm not going to talk about the thing that I'm not supposed to talk about, because you want me to talk about the thing that I'm not going to talk about that isn't the thing I'm supposed to talk about.  You know what I mean?

And I just wasted all of that ink on a load of crap that makes no sense.  Peachy, Monica.

…I give up.

What is up with me? I can't get him out of my head.  I'm totally lost and messed up.  I can't seem to sort out my feelings into something that my brain can comprehend.  Everything's blurry and mixed up, and not _just because I had a little mimosa with breakfast._

Only one really coherent thought has been running through my brain for the past … week or so.

Chandler.

Why? I haven't a clue.  It may be the resemblance to Matt, or the fact that I haven't had an _actual boyfriend.  Kip doesn't count.  He's not a boy or a friend.  I don't consider him to be human.  If you're as heartless as him, you shouldn't consider yourself one of the species.  So, how could he count as _either_, let alone both?_

I'm going to go get the mail and stuff, take Grommit out, and so on.  See you soon.

11:00 AM

Huh.  Well, that's just great.

I got the paper while I was out with Grommit.  Yeah, wonderful day for the news.

Uh-huh, so I'm flipping through it, checking a little of each section, kind of glancing over the pages, when I stopped suddenly at a familiar name.

Rachel Green.

Huh.  Interesting.  Rachel is in town, believe it or not!  And engaged, nonetheless!  But did I get an invitation? Noo.  

I don't know where they're staying, so I can't 

A) Talk to her, or

B) Harass her and that (probably self-absorbed) fiancé of hers about my lack of an invitation

That's no fun!  Well, anyway, Cee is going to come over today.  I haven't seen her in a while, and she, Phoebe, Chandler, and I are all going to help Chandler interview people for his new place.  He actually just asked me to help, but I'm sure he won't mind…

Oh I'm so excited!  I get to judge people all day, and they're going to suck up to me, too!

Okay, moving on.  Here's a question…

Why is it, that everyone is so damn _messy?  I mean, Phoebe spills stuff all over the place!  And so does everyone else! It drives me NUTS!  I just wish people would get it that things have to be clean around here.  _

If you're going to spill, spill in the sink!

September 20th, 1:00 PM

What a _long_ night!  But it's okay, because we all benefited from this… Chandler got a super-cute roommate!  He has _the nicest arms. I mean, wow!  His name's Joey Tribbiani.  Mmm.  Guys.   Mmm.  Italian Guys.  Mmm.  Italian guys with cute arms and nice asses…_

Hey, don't stare at this like I'm crazy! _Phoebe's the crazy one!  _

The woman had a debate about the death penalty with a can of _cashews_.  And somehow…They swayed her!

I just don't get it.  Anyway… I got a phone call from Ross earlier.  It turns out, Carol, his wife, is in a bit of a pickle.  She's apparently a lesbian.  Now, I don't know if this is a direct result of Ross, or what, but… I still don't understand how he didn't know.  They're going to get a divorce.  It's awful.  I feel terrible! And I was going to have him come stay over, and then I remembered that Phoebe still lives here…

But Joey, Chandler, and Ross practically do, too.  They're always over here, or at the coffeehouse together.  I guess, we immediately had this whole bond, thing.  And it was really, really cool.  We just sat at my place this morning, and talked for about five or six hours!  I learned tons of things about everyone else, and, well, everyone else got a chance to _laugh at me._

But Phoebe's been gone a lot.  She isn't really home in the evenings and the mornings.  And she doesn't eat breakfast over here, usually.  I don't know what it is, but I think she's avoiding me.  I might have to talk to her about it.

3:00 PM

So I talked to Phoebe.  That was … Fun.  By the way, that was sarcasm, in case you didn't catch that.  I found her in Central Perk, sitting, drinking coffee, as usual.

"Hey, Pheebs."  I sat down next to her.

"Mon, I have to tell you something."

I hoped it was what I was confronting her about.  "Yeah? What is it?"

"Well, I've been going out a lot, at night.  Usually all night, actually."

"Uh - huh…"

"I've been staying at my grandmother's.  I want to move in with her."

"Oh."  I was quiet for quite a while longer, after that.

"But I'm still gonna be over all the time, it's just, I won't have to worry so much about crumbs and stains and stuff.  You know, you're really a neat freak."

"I know."

"Are you okay?"  I paused, then made a decision.

"Yeah."

Well, things are really changing.  Phoebe moved out, Joey moved in with Chandler, Ross is getting a divorce… It's all getting weirder and weirder.  And plus, I'm seeing less and less of Cee.  I've become a lot closer to Phoebe, but Cee knows everything about me.  I don't want to lose her like I lost Matt.  I don't think I'm handling this very well…

September 22nd, 2:00 PM

Coffee is always good.  You know that?  And, I really like the feel of Central Perk.  It's so homey.  It has the most comfortable orange couch and squishy chairs with tables.  The five of us, plus Cee sometimes, claim that area of the café.  No one seems to even bother to take it.  It's pretty funny, because all of the patrons just kind of _know_ to move when one of us, or usually several of us, come in.

We were sitting on the couch just a couple of hours ago, chatting.  Chandler had been describing his latest dream, and Joey was making fun of me, as usual.  Phoebe was just Phoebe, and I was off in my own thoughts.  Cee had just left a minute ago, when Ross came in.

"Hi." He said, sadly.

"This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself!" Joey said to Chandler, and I informed them that Carol had moved her stuff out today.  I had never seen him so depressed.  Chandler kept cracking me up with his lame attempts to cheer Ross up.  Joey, being the perverted little flirt that he is, made a suggestion.

"Ross, you're in pain.  You're angry.  You're hurtin'.  Do you know what the answer is?"  Ross gestured his curiosity.  "Strip joints!  Come on! You're single! Have some hormones!"  I rolled my eyes at him.

"But I don't want to be single.  I just want to be married again."

Seconds later, the doors of Central Perk swung open, revealing a young woman in a wedding dress, soaking wet.

-----

Tah-dah!!!! Hope you liked this one!!!! Part 7 coming very very soon!!!!


	7. Closure?

Monica's Diary  ~* Part VII *~

A/N: Since I made you guys wait so long for part 6...I'm going to put up part 7 now...so...yeah...here goes! I hope you guys figured out who that was in the doorway, because, otherwise, whoa! You need to go watch the Pilot...and quick....

This is a shorter chapter than the other ones...but you won't be disappointed...

-----

 "But I don't want to be single.  I just want to be married again."

Seconds later, the doors of Central Perk swung open, revealing a young woman in a wedding dress, soaking wet.

I recognized her immediately. 

"Rachel?" I was totally confused.  What was she doing at Central Perk? I thought she was on the _outskirts_ of town.  Not here.

"Oh my God, Monica, hi!"

I introduced everyone, and mentioned the fact that Cee had just left, and we sat and she explained how she had left her fiancé, Barry, at the altar.  She also, oddly enough, mentioned that he looked a lot like Mr. Potato Head.  You should have seen the image in my head with that one.  It almost made me laugh out loud.  Anyway, apparently I was the only person she knew who lived in the city.  I wasn't as immediate to take her in.  She didn't invite me to the wedding! I _love weddings! So, naturally, I avoided the question as much as I could, because I had to act like I wasn't going to let her.  Of course, I knew if she asked,  I would have, but that's beside the point.  A girl has to have integrity!  Like…Not to give in when anyone just asks you if they can move in with you.  Or, not to give in when anyone just asks you if they can _rape_ you.  I should have been more stubborn.  It almost seems my fault.  I knew there was something weird about Kip since I met him.  I'm sure you knew something, too, with just the way I described him.  Who knows._

Well, Phoebe had tried to set me up on a date, because she didn't know what happened.  I'm not sure I want to tell anyone yet.  About what happened with Kip, Chandler is the only one who knows.  And Cee is the only one who knows about Greg.  Well, Phoebe knows he attacked me, but she doesn't know his name's Greg, and she doesn't know that he is my ex-husband.  And of course, Ross knew I got a divorce, but he doesn't know why, and I don't plan on telling him until I tell everyone.  I'm not sure why.  I guess, Cee is the only one who knows everything.  And I almost told Matthew about Greg, but then he left, and I'm probably going to tell Chandler sooner or later, before anyone else.  And now Rachel's here, and she's going to stay here with me.  Wow, it's weird how I actually have friends.

I didn't have that when I was with TB.  He practically forbade me to go out with anyone, except for Cee.  I don't think he was sober, though, when I told him that I was going out, or I left before he woke up with a hangover.  But can you blame me?  I don't think I want to be reminiscing about him again.  It gives me nightmares.  And I don't have someone to cling to, ya know?  I don't want to trust too many people, I'm too afraid of getting hurt.  I'm so sick of getting hurt.  It gets old, you know.  Pain.  Suffering.  Nightmares.  More pain.  More suffering.  It's an endless cycle, and I can't seem to figure out what to do to break it.

September 23rd, 9:00 AM

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.  Why? When? How? This is so weird.  I had a horrid nightmare last night.  It was awful.  About…Kip.  Why why why why _why do I have to have __another guy that I have nightmares about?!_

Greg was _BAD ENOUGH_!

I woke up around two o'clock in the morning, crying, shaking, and sweating.  I was so afraid, so I did the first thing that came to mind.  I bolted out of bed, and ran across the hall.  Crazy, I know.  But I was so scared that I did the only thing that I could think of.  I dashed into Chandler's room, and jumped into his bed.  He woke up right away, and I'm sure he was about as frightened as I was, because I was being panicky and out of breath.  It took him a second to wake up, and another few to realize that it was _me who was in his bed._

"Oh my God, Monica, what is it?"

"Y-you have to help me.  I'm so scared, Chandler!" I choked out.

"What-why? What's wrong?"

"Don't let him get me!" I yelled.

"W-who?" He was just as nervous as I was.

"Kip! He was-he was…"

"What? Was he in your room?"

"He was…I was…" Everything clicked all of a sudden. "I had a nightmare."

"Oh, Mon!"  He hugged me close to him, and I broke down and cried.  I didn't want him to ever let me go again.  I was frightened, and he was the one person I could think of that would just drop everything to make sure that I was okay, even if it meant giving up trying to sleep to dry my tears and make my pain go away.  I could never ever let him go, no matter what happens.  If he moved, I don't know what I'd do.  I'd probably go mad.  Girls have a connection, sure, but guys and girls have sort of a thing, you know? Like, silent conversation.  You only have that with your best friends.  Well, Chandler and I have that, and we barely know each other. I've known him for _ten days, and I know him like I know Cee.  He doesn't know me like Cee does, but the only thing he doesn't know is about Greg.  _

Mind you, that's a big part of who I am, because I wouldn't be this paranoid if I hadn't been with him, but still.  He doesn't judge me at all.  He merely accepts the fact that I have nightmares, and that I'm really obsessive and organized about everything.  He accepts it without question, or amusement.  It's just like, 'This is who you are, and I'm allright with it'.  I don't get that with anyone else.

Amazing barely describes him.

He held me until I fell asleep.  I'm sure I soaked his t-shirt really badly, but I never felt him move.  I woke up about an hour and a half ago, and he was still there.  Still there.  For me.  

I'm so new to this feeling. With guys, anyway.

All the guys I knew abandoned me when I felt the worst, and needed them the most.  But when the smoke had cleared, Chandler was there.  He's a great guy, even if it means that I'll just be stuck with the best friend role for the rest of our lives.  As long as he's part of my life, I don't care.  I just wish I had met him when I wasn't under such circumstances.  In other words, if I wasn't frightened, alone, and nervous about every move that he makes.  Greg's ruined it for every single other guy who comes into my life.  And you know what else? Kip's not making it any easier, either.  Why why why why why _why can't I just move on? It's just not fair! I just want to be normal, like everyone else.  I don't want to be scared anymore.  I don't want to spend every night staying up wondering if one of them is going to burst through the window and attack me with a knife.  I don't want to see every guy I know and care about slip through my fingers before I can get a hold of them.  It's all too confusing, and I don't feel like talking about it anymore.  It just makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm supposed to go to CP for breakfast, but I don't know if I really feel up to it right now.  Everyone seems to get along fine without me.  In fact…_

Ross has been acting awfully funny towards Rachel, since they met.  I wonder what's going on inside that head of his.

Then again, maybe I don't _want to know.  I'll just leave it be._

September 25th, 3:00 PM

Okay, again, I have to ask, why?

I am so nervous about everything!  I want so badly to tell Chandler.  But I can't seem to bring myself to do it.  I can't figure out why I don't just do it.  Rip the Band-Aid off, as Phoebe says.  Quick and painless.

But, if I do it…It's going to be drawn out and dramatic.  My mind just works that way.  Not that I'm blowing anything out of proportion, I'm just, being a little _too_ honest.  I need to just suck it up and tell him.  That's just it.  That's what I'm going to do…

Tomorrow.

No, today.  I have to tell him today, I just need some time to prepare.  This is going to be a short entry, because I'm going to go write and memorize a speech, so that I don't sound so stupid.

7:30 PM

Okay, remember when I said that the most scared I had ever been was when Greg was in my window? And then, I said, that it was when Kip was making a move on me?  Well, I'm going somewhere with this, in case you haven't caught up yet.  I had a long discussion with Chandler later, and he let me know some stuff, so that you can get what happened, at least, a little bit.  I know, I'm making no sense, but I'm having a nervous breakdown, so don't mind me.  I'll just be spazzing in the corner, nothing to worry about.

Yeah, so anyway, to use the greatest amount of sarcasm in the history of sarcasm…

My bestest friend in the whole wide world paid me a visit today.

Uh-huh, you know who.  Greg, TB, whatever you want to call him.  Apparently, he had told Chandler that he was my boyfriend, and Chandler reluctantly let him in.  Mind you, he wasn't Matt, so he didn't know what Greg looked like.  I just wish he had asked me first.  But then again, he may have suspected that I was seeing someone in secret, and that he was going to confront me later about it.  Okay, back on track.

So I was walking in from getting the mail, setting everything down, and realized that I had accidentally left Grommit in my room.  I walked through the kitchen, and almost made it to the door, when he spoke to me.

"Well, well, well.  Don't we clean up _real_ nice."  He said.  His voice was raspy, and I could tell that he had been drinking.  I recognized his tone immediately.  I froze for a second, and then turned around.  He was unshaven, and he had stains all over his clothes from one thing or another.  He looked like an all-around slob.  And if it weren't him, I would have made him take them off and cleaned them for him.  But, I didn't, of course.  I didn't want to look as frightened as I was, so I cleared my throat to get rid of the nerves that were caught there.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, plainly.  He stood, and I could tell that my expressionless mask had been removed, only to be replaced with one of fear and anger.

"Claiming what's mine to begin with."

"I'm not a prize to own, Greg."

"Says who?" He grinned, and reached for my wrists.  I saw a glint of silver, and noticed he had a knife in his pocket.  I risked it, and moved my hands anyway.  He saw me eyeing his pocket knife, and he took it out.

"This old thing?" He gestured at it.  "It's real rusty.  I'd hate to see what it does to skin, wouldn't you?"  He hit a button, and the blade popped out.  I jumped slightly, and he laughed.

"Scared?"

"Why would I be?" My confidence was shaking.

"Because I'm not afraid, either." He closed the gap between us.  "I've never been afraid.  I don't need someone to protect me from anything, or anyone.  I don't need a bodyguard."

"What're you getting at?" My head turned a little, and I eyed the door quickly, my voice rising.

"Chancy? Chivvy? Your little friend across the hall? He's such a moron.  He let me into your apartment.  Didn't you tell him anything?"

I felt my hands ball up into fists at my sides.  I don't know how I put up with this all these years.  I don't know why I stayed with him.  I still ask myself that.  Well, I wasn't going to deal with it anymore.  Hearing him talk about my friend, the _one_ guy who truly cares about me, was more than I could stand. I spoke slowly through clenched teeth.

"His name…is _Chandler."_

"Whatever.  What kind of a freak has a name like -"

That was the last straw.  I hit him with every ounce of strength I had.  He fell over backwards, and I used my moment to spare, to get as close as I could to the door.  He got up, right as I was starting to open the door, and grabbed at my throat.  I kicked and lashed at him, the door flying open along with me.

You know how sometimes, when you get really angry, or scared, or something, you seem to get superhuman strength? Well, that's about what happened.  I ended up, though Greg was almost twice my size, taking his hands, and yanking him out the door.  He hit the wall across from me, which was Chandler's door, and slid down, nearly knocked out.  I put my foot on his throat.  Not enough to choke him, but enough to let him know that if he moved, I would.  The door of Chandlers apartment opened, and Chandler came running out.  His expression was a mixture of every emotion imaginable.  Me, on the other hand, I was smiling.  I looked at him, not moving my foot at all.

"Greg, this is Chandler.  Chandler, this is my ex-husband, Greg."

-----

You're allowed to punch the air and yell "Yeeeeessssssss!!" if it suits you, now... And then review, of course...


	8. Memories

Monica's Diary  ~*Part VIII*~

A/N: Here's part eight! And I'm sorry for making you guys wait so long...ish...for this...RIGHT! The story....here goes!

_"You're on in five, Miss Minnelli..."_

-----

From the last chapter … 

I looked at him, not moving my foot at all.

"Greg, this is Chandler.  Chandler, this is my ex-husband, Greg."

September 30th, 8:00 AM

I am so frustrated with Greg.  You know, I kicked him out, literally.  And I'm trying to press charges against him.  But there's still something there.  Something is holding me back… And I can't figure out what.

But you know… Kicking him out… was pretty much the closure I needed.

To be able to look him in the eyes and say, "You mean nothing to me now." You know? Like he did to me, basically.  I'm still furious with him, but I'm not scared…

As much.

He still has the ability to do anything to me.  But he has the ability to do anything to anyone, so I don't actually feel as singled out.  He knows now, that I am a stronger person than I used to be.  But he's still the only man I've ever been with.  And I don't want that to be the case.  I really should try dating someone, just now is not the time.  I think.

I went to talk to Chandler, and he was so embarrassed and angry with himself for not noticing anything.  He noted that TB had on not very clean clothes, and he kinda knew something might've been up.  If I remember correctly, he said,

"If the guy has even _met_ you, he'd know to wear clean clothes."  Of course, he's right, you know.  It's great how he always jokes around with me about my obsessive-ness, because that basically tells me he's okay with it.  And I don't know many people who are.  Which is good.

God, could I be…?

Nah.

I just need some time off of all of my thoughts, ya know? Some time to just be relaxed and have fun…

Hmm, a girl's night might be a good idea.

Yeah, I could have Cee, Pheebs, and Rach over, and we can have, like, a sleep-over, or something.  I'll go call them, and we can arrange it for tonight.  I don't know what people think is so immature about a night off…

October 1st, 2:00 AM

The four of us are having _the best time.  We actually got into a pillow fight, for crying out loud! I feel like I'm a teenager again, or something.  Except, now, we can have alcohol.  I hope you know I'm grinning over here.  But, you can't see me, so what's it matter? Who knows, I'm a son of an ankle biter if you ask me!_

Maybe I'm still a little tipsy…

Anyway, I think I might've sorted out my feelings.  Basically, in terms that even Grommit would understand:

I hate Greg.

I hate Kip.

I like Chandler.

That seems simple enough, except, I like a lot of people, and I don't seem to know what _kind_ of 'like' I'm feeling.

It's too confusing, so…

I'm going to go and play Twister, and have more Tiki Death Punch.  I am so awesome at making cocktails, but I never used my skills, because I don't like drunks.  Well, if you're smart, you can figure out why.

12:00 (noon)

Oi.  My head…

3:00 PM

I actually went out today, with Rachel.  She had less of a hangover, but we still needed a way to alleviate the pain. So, we went shopping.

We hit Bloomingdales, Saks Fifth Avenue, Ralph Lauren, the works.  I don't think we missed more than two clothing stores in all of Manhattan.  Rach and I had a lot of quality bonding time, especially since we spent so long in each store because we had different tastes.  She's a lot more classy and uptown, where I couldn't always afford that.  You see, Rachel was pretty much Daddy's Little Girl up until her wedding.  When she realized she didn't want to get married to that sock-wearing orthodontist, her dad pretty much cut her off, so now, she works as a waitress at Central Perk.  It doesn't pay all that much, but it still helps.  Plus, I've been getting mucho tips at Iridium, so I could help her out a bit.  It was well worth it, I'm telling you.

I told her about _him_.  But you know, she kind of suspected something when Chandler told them about how I kicked Greg's ass.  He was really surprised when he saw him in my hallway, but he also thought I was some sort of hero.  I still don't know where all my guts came from.  One moment, I'm cowering next to him, with a knife in his hand, and then BAM!

I hit him for insulting Chandler, he's out in the hallway, and I've got my foot on his throat.  I mean, what's up with that? I thought I was supposed to be this inferior little girl, who gives in to anyone and lets them treat her like some sort of sex object.  That's pretty much what I was taught, being with Greg for all that time.  I never knew what it was like to be treated like an equal. 

With a little dignity, and a little respect.

I still don't know how I made it.  Through everything.  It was probably because of my friends.  

They were my family.  

They were my world.  

They were my life.

I thank God for them every day.  I couldn't live without them.  I don't want to even think about my life if they're not there.  I'd have committed suicide ages ago if Cee hadn't been with me during those three years.  Or Rachel, before her.  And both of them, plus Joey, Phoebe, and Ross now.  

And Chandler, forever.

I'm never going to let him go.  Never ever. 

Allright, enough of being so sappy, I need to go and do something else, besides sit here and write in a diary.  I need to get out, somehow.  Or maybe, I need to do the thing that I was supposed to do a week ago.  See you soon.

11:00 PM

I am _so_ glad that I did it.  And that's the whole truth.  The only regret that I had was that I didn't tell him sooner.  I went to visit him around 4 o'clock, and I was so nervous.  I didn't have to move my hand to knock on the door, I was shaking so much.  He opened it up, and smiled, but then he saw the look on my face.  I didn't know what my expression was, but I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.

"Monica, what's wrong?"

"It's time I told you…everything."

"You don't have to tell me anything."

"Yes, yes I do.  So we're going to sit and talk, now, or else I'll never be able to tell you.  And I want to, so bear with me, okay?"

He nodded.

"Can I come in?" I asked.  He nodded again, and grabbed some tissues and tossed them on the couch, just in case, as we walked in.

"You want anything to drink?" He opened the fridge.

"Um, some water would be fine," I said, sitting.  He put some ice in a glass, and filled it.  Sitting down next to me, he turned and sat looking at me on the sofa, his legs crossed Indian-style.  He watched me, patiently waiting for me to speak.  I didn't feel pressured at all, so I just started talking.  It was a long time before I stopped for him to say anything.

"You know, my life has always been a mess.  When I was in grade school, I was really overweight, and my parents were critical of everything I did.  Ross was always their favorite, and they compared my faults to that of 'The Angel's'.  It drove me crazy.  Rachel was my friend during my junior and senior years of high school, when Cee and I had a falling out.  But then, when Rachel went across the  country to college, Cee came back.  She helped me lose weight during college.  I told her everything.  She told _me everything.  But then, I met Greg.  _

We met during my sophomore year of college, and dated from the middle of my junior year, to graduation.  I lost my virginity to him, during spring break my junior year.  But he was never as emotionally attached to me, as I was to him.  Looking back on it now, I should have seen it coming.  He actually proposed to me right after graduation.  And, being that I thought I would never be with a guy who 'appreciated me' like Greg did, I accepted.  We married within the year.  He was so anxious about it, and I noticed that he was just as eager to go on the honeymoon.  We only went to Niagara Falls.  When we got there, he insisted on having sex within thirty minutes of arriving at the hotel.  I thought it was just his hormones, but I found that he was just trying to prove his ownership of me.  That he thought as soon as we had sex after getting married, that we were bound together, because we had consummated the marriage.  

He was controlling, and bossy.  He was a changed man after we married.  And I was starting to wonder how I fell in love with him, or if I had fallen in love with him at all.  He started up drinking, coming home late at night, sometimes not coming home at all.  He left his job, and started using the money I brought in to buy booze.  But I put up with it.  He hit me for the first time about six months after we were married, and he kept it up, for the next two and a half years.  His alcoholism grew stronger during our second year of marriage, and he raped me often.  It was almost a daily occurrence.  

Three years.  _Three years I put up with it.  He drank, hit me, raped me, slept, and started it all over again.  I tried so hard to cover up everything, but since I was still seeing Cee in secret, she figured it out.  Of course, I had to tell her.  And she helped me leave him.  And I stayed with her.  But then, about a month and a half after I left him, he came to her apartment, and nearly raped me again.  My dear friend Matthew saved me.  Much like you did.  Matthew was just like you, except, he left me.  He's gone.  He was never more than a friend, but I always wanted something else.  He never saw that in me.  After he left, I moved out, and into the apartment I'm in now.  Greg came back, and attacked Cee in her apartment, too.  Which is why I made her move.  She fell into a coma, for a long time, and I met you and Phoebe not too long after.  Of course, you know everything from there, so I think I'm going to stop talking finally, and let you say something.  Chandler?"_

  
I looked at him.  He was staring at me, open mouthed, with a look on his face that I couldn't decipher.  I took a sip of my water, and he finally shook himself out of the state he was in.

"Monica, I don't know what to say.  I'm really really sorry.  Really.  Come here."  I crawled into his arms.  You know, I didn't even cry.  I was glad that I got it all out.  And I'm glad he knows now.  You know?  I just wished that I could let him know that I'm ready to move on.  That I don't want to be treated even more like a fragile doll, or some sort of bomb just waiting to explode.  I want to move on, I just need to know how, and I want somehow, for me to tell him that I want him to be there with me, without really having to tell him.

"But you know, Chandler.  I'm not sad anymore.  I'm merely frustrated with putting up with all of this from guys. I'm ready to move on, I just need to know that the guy I move on with, isn't going to hurt me like everyone else did.  I don't want to go through that a third time.  Chandler, you saved me, did you know that? I was lost and scared, and you saved me.  Don't leave me, please?"

"I won't."

He held me tighter.  His arms always offered safety and comfort.  I didn't want to leave them.

"But how can I move on?"

"Sweetie, maybe you need to be with someone who you trust already.  Don't just get yourself into a relationship with someone you don't really know.  I know Greg was a bad egg, but those things happen.  And if you look at the bright side, you've already had your share of bad eggs, so maybe the right guy is on his way.  You've learned your lesson, and now you have to get your reward."

"But how will I know?  I don't want to get hurt again."

"Monica, listen to me." He turned my head so I could look into his eyes.  His beautiful blue eyes.  He spoke again.

"Anyone who would want to hurt you, never realized they had the perfect woman right in front of them all along."

Our lips met in a kiss.

-----

I'll bet some of you hate me now...   : )   well, **_review_** and tell me so, if you must! 


	9. Surprises

Monica's Diary  ~* Part IX *~

_Author's Note:**  This is the ninth, and final, part of my Diary series.  I'm going to really miss making you guys wait for the next part...and the next part...and...well... you know the drill...Okie dokie! Before I bore you to death...here it is!!**_

_"And that, my friend, is what they call, 'closure'."_

_Hey...do you ever wonder who 'they' actually is?_

-----

[From October 1st, 11:00 PM]

"Anyone who would want to hurt you, never realized they had the perfect woman right in front of them all along."

Our lips met in a kiss.

It was _amazing_.  It was exactly like my first kiss with Greg, except…

It wasn't like it at all.  It was everything that is _supposed_ to be in a first kiss.  And then some.  I don't even know why I did it, but it just felt right, you know?  Like something just…

Fit.  Like pieces of a puzzle.  I just needed that final one, and all the confusion was over.  No more sorting through the box to find a bunch of useless matches, when one just connected itself.  You weren't even sure if it would work, but it did, and you just realized that you made one of the most important decisions you can make.  You solved the riddle.  Only this time, it was the riddle that is more commonly known as love.

We kissed for a long time.  Neither of us even bothered to move, or do anything.  He didn't try to touch me, or anything.  The only thing that connected us were our lips.  Only, it was enough to make my entire body warm up.  This was how I had imagined my first kiss to be.  Instead, I got stuck with Greg.  Greg, with his 'experience' and wanting to move everything a step further on the first go.  He thought, since he had kissed so many other girls before me, that he'd be able to kiss me like we had been dating for months.  He scared me.  It's funny, though, that I hadn't done _anything with anyone other than Greg.  It's nice to finally be able to at least share something with someone else.  He's not someone I'd like to remember.  But, since I lost my virginity to him…_

Well, I should technically say, he _found it…_

He's going to be a part of my life.  And he's the reason that I'm where I am now.  I know I might be a little more secure and confident about myself if I hadn't been with him, but then I also know, that if my past had changed, I wouldn't have met Chandler.  There's still the chance I might've, but it's really slim odds, you know?  Maybe I do owe him something after all.  Like, a life sentence instead of execution, or something like that.  I mean, I'm still going to make him pay for what he did, but maybe not under such harsh circumstances.  I went immediately to the police station and reported him, within the first couple of hours, actually. Maybe a little more closure is in order.

October 3rd. 11:00 AM

I decided to sit everyone down today, and explain some stuff.  Since I already transcribed a very long conversation I had with Chandler, I'm not going to go into detail on this one.

Basically, everyone got a little weird when I made them all sit down, and got up in the front of the room.

"I have some explaining to do…" I said.

I pretty much told them everything.  The six of them just sat there, looking intently at me as I talked to them.  Just as Chandler had, only their mouths were wider open, and Chandler didn't have any kind of shocked expression on his face, he knew already.  He was kind of, silently encouraging me. Each and every one of them got up and gave me a hug, one a t a time, after I was done talking.  I didn't cry then, either.  I'm just glad that I have such supportive friends.  None of them blamed me, even a tiny bit.  In fact, it was quite the opposite.  Phoebe claimed she had something to do with what Kip had done, and Ross was angry with himself for 'not being there'.  But I knew they didn't do anything wrong.  They were just…misinformed.  I felt a huge amount of weight leave my chest that moment.  All the lying and the secrets are finally over.

October 5th, 3:00 PM

The hearing was today. I'm so glad that I have a great lawyer, who got me the initial hearing only ten days after the incident.  His name is Joseph Stenton, AAL.  I owe him big time.

And of course, everyone went with me, and I saw TB again.  He was wearing the same clothes he was wearing before, only dirtier.  He still hadn't shaved, and he had such a sneer on his face.  But he had the traces of a black eye (aha…ahahahahaha!) and he limped as he walked.  I was so proud of myself.  You have no idea how happy I was when I saw his face.  He _hated me, and it felt wonderful.  I know, I know, I'm not supposed to be glad that he suffered…_

But I don't care! A woo hoo! I kicked his ass!

Okay, now that I got that out of my system…

Courteney sat to the left of me; Chandler to my right.  It couldn't have felt more perfect.  They each took one of my hands as we listened to Greg's lawyer speak.  And it's pretty funny, because they both squeezed my hand at the same time.  Courteney and the girls kept turning around and asking me if I was okay, and Chandler kept asking me if I needed something to throw at him.  Greg's lawyer kept looking at me funny, when I laughed at another of Chandler's jokes, because Greg was speaking, and apparently what he was saying wasn't very funny.  I hardly paid any attention.  But it serves him right.  I just don't listen to him anymore.  I've learned how to tune it out, and there's no going back on that one.

Oh, by the by…

Chandler's going to take me out for dinner tonight, y'know, to celebrate.  But just us.

I'm not even remotely nervous.  We've been out to dinner dozens of times.  It's just now… He has privileges.  But I trust him.  So much.  I just _know_ he won't hurt me.  I know him too well to think that he'd do anything like that.  But I have to spend some time preparing so…I'm going out with the girls for our own celebration.  The three of them all chipped in to pay to get me an entirely new outfit.  I told them about Chandler, so, naturally, they're going to teach me everything that I'm supposed to know by now.  You'd think, being that I was married for three years, that I'd know a thing or two about dating.

But they're right.  I really, really don't.

The date is at eight tonight, so I have to go, like, now.

9:00 PM

Chandler is such a gentleman.  He picked me up, with a single rose.  And then we went out to dinner.  It was one of the most pleasant evenings I've spent with anyone.  You know, it wasn't too different than when we went out together before we started dating.  I didn't feel pressured at all.

Plus, the dating rules really don't apply here.  I already know so much about him, so there's no awkwardness.  And then, the second date rule is out of the window, too.  Along with Greg, whom I should have _pushed out of the window when I saw him in the first place.  Anyway…I don't have to learn anything about him, so there's no second date questioning, either.  And that takes almost __all of the pressure off of me._

We discussed the 'third date' thing.  He's totally all right with waiting as long as I need.  He was actually okay with not doing it at all.  Which makes it all the much more wonderful to be with him.  I never have to worry about what's going on in his head.  I'm sure, most guys are thinking…

'Will tonight be _the night_?'

Well, Chandler's not thinking that.  In his head, it's more like… 'Is she having a good time? Am I making her uncomfortable? Should I hold her hand yet?'

He's just so considerate of me.  And I know, you're sick of me going on and on about him, but every aspect of him…

There are so many things to say about him, you know?

Words don't seem to work anymore.  I need to just show you.  Or something.  I'm not sure.

All right.  I got it.

Picture the most gorgeous guy you've ever known, add a perfect personality, an awesome friendship, and then the fact that he likes you, too. Now…

Multiply that by a hundred million.

You're halfway there.

October 10th, 10:00 PM

Chandler just brought me back from our sixth date.  We've only been going out for, what, a week? And I have never been so comfortable being with someone, ever.  I'm totally ready for anything.  I want him to treat me as he would any of his other girlfriends.  

Except, I want him to be my friend in spite of all of that.

He's kept everything to just chaste kisses.  He doesn't care that we're moving slow.  And he's so sweet about it.  Okay, okay.  I'm going to just…not talk about him for a while.  Hmm, what else did I do today?

I had breakfast at Central Perk.  And it was hilarious.  Phoebe was playing her songs, and we were giggling because her lyrics were so weird.  She started singing a song about being in the shower… a song about cows … and my personal favorite.  The one about the cat.  

_Smelly cat, smelly cat_

_What are they feeding you?_

_Smelly cat, smelly cat_

_It's not your fault!_

And to top it all off…

Joey was hitting on Courteney.  

I love to watch him flirt.  Because, he's so good at it.  But I never expected him to go for Cee.  That actually surprised me.

Of course, he used his classic line…

"How _you_ doin'?" and that cracks me up, but he kept looking at her in that odd sort of way, and it made me laugh, because I had an idea of what was going on inside of his head.  As usual, it was perverted, but still funny.  And Cee…

She was flirting back!

She was laughing, and blushing.  And then she did the 'arm thing'.  I know about the 'arm thing', because it was something the girls taught me during my 'Dating 101' class, as they called it.  They said that it was a distinct sign of flirting.  You know, where you playfully push your arm at them, going "oh, _stop_ it!" and giggling furiously.  Trust me, it was classic.

I caught Rachel's eye, and we burst into laughter.

I don't know why, but I was really giggly today.  Even during my date with Chandler.  We kept talking about this morning during the date, and I nearly spit wine on this woman at the table next to me, when he brought up what Ross did later.  Him, being the usual sad paleontologist that he is, came in mumbling about something at the museum that was out of place.  

I wasn't even listening, because Phoebe was still singing, off key, at the top of her lungs…

And Chandler was catching my eye and winking obviously at me…

And Courteney and Joey were flirting left and right…

Plus, Rachel and I were making kissy faces at the two, and laughing out loud…

Ross got really confused, and then, when he noticed he was rambling and whining, and no one was paying attention, he just sort of stared at us, and then turned around and left the coffeehouse, in that silly little way that he does.

We all stopped what we were doing and watched him leave, then laughed some more.

I don't think there was a single time that day, until now, that I thought of anything that had gone wrong in my life.  When I'm with my friends, all my troubles just kind of…float away.

I like to be able to just laugh every once in a while.  It's healthy.  Did you know that?

October 14th, 10:23 AM

I had my thirteenth date yesterday.  It was the best evening.  Ever.  Period.

I wore my little black dress.  It was spaghetti strapped and very flattering to my figure.  Plus, I wore silver jewelry, and pulled my hair halfway up in a thin silver clip.  I had on a necklace with my birthstone in a very small crescent moon shape.  It was beautiful. Plus, my shoes were high heeled, and they had thin straps on them, so they made my legs look extra good.  Not that they needed anything, of course.

This time… he picked me up, with a dozen roses in hand.  I put them in water before we left, and he took my elbow out to the car.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"You'll see."

Ooh.  I love surprises.  We ended up going to a nice restaurant, but it was a little less formal than the ones we usually went to.  It was fairly calm, but there was a wooden dance floor in the middle of all the tables.

The maitre' d seated us quickly, and we ordered and ate, just as we always did.  We had discussions about anything…and everything.  And I was having such a great time.  The music's tempo changed to a slow song, and Chandler stood up.

"Would you like to dance?" He asked me, holding out his hand.

"I would love to." He helped me up, and kissed my hand as we walked out to the floor.  He held me close as we danced, just slowly rocking back and forth.  We were hardly even moving, but I didn't notice.  I really liked the thoughts that went through my head as we swayed to the rhythm.  One in particular stood out.

  
Maybe life isn't as bad as it seems.

The song that played then, replayed in my mind for a long time after that.  I looked up at him, from where we were standing, and kissed him again.  I didn't bother to wait.  We stood and kissed, right there, in the middle of the floor.  The people around me didn't matter any more.  I was with him, and that is how it should be.  I'll never forget that song.  That moment.

_wise__ men say_

_only__ fools rush in_

_but__ I can't help_

_falling__ in love with you_

_shall__ I stay_

_would__ it be a sin_

_if__ I can't help_

_falling__ in love with you_

_like__ the river flows_

_surely__ to the sea_

_darling__ so it goes_

_some__ things are meant to be_

_take__ my hand_

_take__ my whole life too_

_for__ I can't help_

_falling__ in love with you…_

You want to hear something amazing?

Chandler and I made love last night.

- * -

_Whee! And that's it! I will do an epilogue...but only if you request it!! So...review! Your input could change whether or not I post any more! I'm putting a lot of exclamation points! Brava to me!_


	10. Epilogue

Monica's Diary    ~*Epilogue*~

Author's Note: _Well...here it is, you guys! This is it...I hope you're prepared...*sigh* I am SOO going to miss writing this one....but it's so well worth the ending! Thanks so much for putting up with me! _

_This is SUCH a great day...cause guess what else???  I got the part of the Cheshire Cat in __Alice__ in Wonderland!! This play that's going on downtown!! A WOO HOO!! Okay...not like you care, anyway...here goes...enjoy the epilogue! It's really over, I know...*sniff*_

_"This...this can't be it..."_

_"Then, how come it is?" _

-----

May 23rd, 11:00 PM

How long was this thing missing? It's been under my bed, gathering dust, for nearly…

Two years!  I looked everywhere for it for a _long_ time!  Man, so much has happened since then.  I'm practically a different person!

Well, not totally different.  I still write pretty much the same.  I actually didn't write in any sort of diary after my last entry here.  I was reading through everything I wrote.  I was so bitter then.  And untrustworthy, and doubtful, and a bunch of other dark and evil things.  Wow, I haven't written since two Octobers ago, when Chandler and I first slept together.  I remember that day so clearly.  Pretty much, like it was yesterday.  There's cliché for ya. 

As you can probably gather from the dates, I'm twenty nine in a little less than a month, and I'm as happy as I think I'll ever be.

I guess, I should fill you in, or something.  I forgot how I used to write to my diary.  I think it was in 2nd person?  Who knows.  I guess I'll write how I feel.  I'm only in the last few pages, so I suppose this is going to be my last entry.  I'll miss this, but I'll keep it always.

First of all, Grommit is getting so old! He's practically a fully fledged adult.  Which is good.  I don't really have to clean up after him.  Speaking of cleaning up… Greg is in a correctional facility in Idaho.  I mean, Idaho?! When did the New York State Jury get a sense of humor?  He's gone.  And when I mean gone, I mean, gone.  There's security watching him when he showers, for crying out loud.  And I don't know, or care for that matter, what happened to Kip.  In fact, I don't even remember what he looks like.  But I don't want to, thanks.  Hmm, what next…?

Right!

Chandler and I got married today. In fact, that's how I found this.  I was looking for…um…_something…under the bed, to pack it for our honeymoon, when I pulled it out.  Of course, I don't know if I'll let Chandler read it.  It has a lot of stuff about him in it.  I remember that night in October.  He was such a romantic._

We're going to the Caribbean on our honeymoon.  On this tropical beach.  It looks perfect.  A week of sun and sex and love and celebration.  But mostly sex.  Well, you'll have to ask Chandler.  He's going to do most of the itinerary while we're there.  I'm going to take a break from planning and organizing for a while…

Oh, who am I kidding? I've done the entire thing so far.  But what makes it so wonderful, is that I'm going to be spending it with my husband.  

Hey, that's the first time I've put 'wonderful' and 'husband' in the same sentence.

Anyway, our wedding was beautiful.  It took me forever to get the seating chart for the reception finished.  I had to get all of my friends into one table, and then their families had to have their own, as well.  And I didn't want to put any people next to people that they didn't like, and then I tried (and failed) to put the names in alphabetical order.  It was a nightmare.  Chandler had to keep me from hyperventilating, by kissing me every five minutes or so.  Of course, half the time, I was faking it just so he would kiss me, but that's beside the point! 

The rehearsal dinner was horrid.  The food that was brought made us all really thirsty, so we ran out of drinks, and had to resort to drinking some of the alcohol that was being saved for the wedding.  I could have sworn someone put curry powder on the salmon.  It was so gross.  People were getting drunk left and right.  We ended up escorting Ross out of the hall because he kept singing Phoebe's 'Little Black Curly Hair'.  And Phoebe was singing along, too.  It was quite a headache, but we managed.  And of course, it worked out at the actual ceremony, so I didn't have to go psycho on anyone.

We had the wedding in the church where my parents were married.   There were two seats up in the front row, with velvet ribbons over them, and a dozen black-magic roses on each place.  Ross almost cried.  I was _so _close.  You see, when our parents were alive, Ross would make a toast at their anniversary, and he always made us all cry.  And I was determined to get him back, but sadly, I failed.  I did, though, manage to find something that brightened my day.  Besides the _wedding, of course._

Ross had a very unusual date.  And she drove us _all crazy, but him most of all._

I don't know if I mentioned her before.

Well, if I hadn't, her name is Janice.  And Ross seems to keep getting stuck with her.  No matter how many times he tries to get rid of her, she ends up falling back into his arms.  None of the rest of us understand how he ended up with her in the first place.  But it's hilarious to watch him with her.

All of the girls were my bridesmaids, and I had decided that Courteney would be my maid of honor.  It was so hard to choose, but they all got to be in it, so they were happy.  

It was probably an hour before the ceremony, when the panic attack hit.  Of course, you should have seen it coming.  I mean, look how my last marriage turned out.  But I'm fairly comfortable with talking about it now.  I still hurt every once in a while, but it's only memory, sort of a silhouette of past pain.  Well, I ended up nearly passing out, and slid down the wall in my dressing room, when Rachel, Courteney, _and_ Phoebe filed in.  It was quite a sight for the slightly conscious mind.

"Monica, are you allright?"  The three of them spoke in unison.  I shook my head, and Courteney came over to feel my head.  The other two sat next to me, and took my hands.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Rachel asked.

"I'm not _ready_ to get married!" I tilted my head back, and hit it against the wall.  Multiple times, from what I remember of the bruises.

"But why? Why would you say that now? You're so close!" Phoebe told me, pulling my head away from the wall.

"Well, look at my last marriage! That was _Greg! I don't want another Greg in my life! What if Chandler does what __he did? I think I might just give everyone up and just live in a hole somewhere.  Or I'd commit suicide.  I don't want him to be a horrible husband.  And so if I don't want a horrible husband, then I don't want to risk getting one."_

"Honey, let me ask you something.  Do you love Chandler?"

I nodded and sniffed, tears welling up in my eyes.  "Yes.  With all my heart."

"Then what are you waiting for?!" Courteney said, standing up, while the others helped pull me up with her. "You know, and _I know, __and Phoebe knows, _and_ Rachel knows, that Chandler would never do anything like that to you.  Not in a million years.  Now, go get married!"_

And with that, she slapped me on the butt.  It wasn't exactly the encouragement I was expecting, but it still made me feel better about everything.  I want to be married.  Even if it means that I'm taking the biggest chance of my life.

So, I took the leap.

"Allright.  I'm gonna do it.  I'm gonna go get married."

It finally clicked with Phoebe.

"Oh my God! You're gonna get married!"  She and Rachel started to cry, and pulled me into a hug.  Courteney, being practically my twin, clapped her hands twice to get our attention.

"Hey, you guys, it's going to start soon, lets move!"

I heard the music beginning, and we all went into the side wings to the main hall.  This was it.

I saw Courteney step into the lights of the hall, and I immediately glanced at the sparkle on her left hand.  

The sparkle she had mentioned hundreds of times before.

Her engagement ring.

You could have seen that puppy from space.

Of course, I'd have to say, her fiancé definitely would have afforded it easily.

He's one of the wealthiest business owners…

In California.

He's actually Chandler's best man, so he and Cee got to go down together.

Courteney walked very slowly to the center aisle, turned to me, and winked.

She smiled her little smile…

  
And took Matthew's elbow towards the priest.

Rachel and Phoebe both went out together, on either side of Joey, who was all too enthusiastic.  He had his silly little grin the whole way down.  I knew he did.  Joey will never change.  But that's what I love about him.

I asked Ross, a very long time ago, if he would walk me down the aisle at my wedding.  In fact, it was about a week after Mom and Dad died, that I asked.  He thought it was awfully weird, but now, I don't think he feels the same way.  I took his hand when we walked down, as a little sister would do to her big brother when she was scared.

  
This was one of those moments.  But then, I looked at Chandler, standing up there, and he was smiling at me.  And I saw his eyes.  His wonderful, gorgeous blue eyes, and I saw it.  The only thing that I've ever wanted from him, or any other guy.

Love.

A love so whole, and honest, and pure, that it would be impossible for me not to trust him.  He's my life; my world.  I'd never make it without him.

The ceremony itself was pretty much what you'd normally see in a wedding: Words, vows, promises, rings, and the blessing.

I'll never forget those vows.  We did them last.  He looked at me when he spoke, and he was honest and wonderful.

"Monica, the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were the one.  Something happened that day, that drew me to you.  I don't know how, and I don't know why.  All I know, is that now that I'm here today, with you, I don't want to see it any other way.  The future that I see for us, is more perfect than I ever imagined that it could be.  Words don't even begin to describe how much I love you, and I want you to know that I'm willing to do anything, say anything, and sacrifice anything, as long as you are with me, always."

"Chandler, you know all about what has happened to me in the past.  Bad experiences had led me to believe that I was incapable of loving someone.  But I hadn't met you.  All I had to do was look at you to see just what I had been missing out on.  You are my forever, my always, and my only.  Someone once told me, the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return.  You showed me that.  I hardly knew anything about you when we met, but from that very instant that I looked into your perfect eyes, I knew… that you were all I ever thought I'd need, and all I ever know I will."

The priest announced to the congregation.  "And now, by the powers vested in me by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I now pronounce you man and wife."

We kissed.

I felt like I was in some sort of fairy tale, or something.  These things only happened in stories that I thought up in my head.  It never occurred to me that this happened to _actual_ people, let alone, me.

I remember that night that Chandler proposed to me.  It was the most romantic thing.  He took me upstairs one night, to the roof, while it was raining.  Just last spring.  He set his CD player under the overhang by the door, and played one of my favorite songs.

_the__ finer things keep shining through_

_the__ way my soul gets lost in you_

_the__ finer things are feelin' me_

_the__ golden dance life could be_

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness…

Never danced in the rain.

The song switched, to our song.  The one they played that night.  Our first night…together.  I Can't Help Falling In Love With You, by Elvis Presley.

And I saw him get down on one knee.

And I heard him ask me the one question that I'll remember always.

And I saw his eyes.

"Monica, will you marry me?"

Well, of course I said yes.  After being drawn in by those eyes, like I had so many times before, I couldn't have said no.  I leapt into his arms, and we kissed, like we had so many times before.

I'll never look at rain the same way again.

The reception was less formal, but it was still organized.  I mean, let's face it, _I was in charge.  It took me forever to be able to get our table set up properly.  Because everyone wanted to sit by certain people.  Rachel and Phoebe wanted to sit together, Joey wanted to be next to the table where some of my attractive co-workers were sitting, and plus, I had to try and get me and Chandler by Cee and Matt,  but Matt wanted to sit by her.  I got really confused, and just put them across from us.  And to top it all off, Ross was hovering over my shoulder while I was making the chart.  He wanted to sit by Rachel, even though there wouldn't be any place for Janice._

You know, you'd think he was in love.

We took photographs at the altar before we left for the reception.  It wasn't the most wonderful occasion.  We nearly had to kick _someone out because __someone and their fiancé kept making out when we weren't taking pictures.  I felt like I was in high school again, except, it was better, because now, I was part of the picture._

Not just the silly fat girl on the sidelines.  

I couldn't blame them, though.  I mean, they're going to be here soon, too.  Just like us.

Man, we are all just growing up.

Of course, I didn't really know what happened before Chandler and I arrived, but it couldn't have been too exciting.  The only thing I remember about the trip over was that he and I kissed the entire way there.  But he didn't try to grope me or anything.  So, I didn't mind at all.  I'm finally able to relax around guys, now knowing that I have my husband around to protect me.

We came into the reception, hand in hand.  It just felt so right.  Bunches of flashes went off when we entered, and all faces turned our way and lit up when the announcer introduced us.  There was smiling and applause.  There wasn't a single place that I'd rather have been than there with him.  We had hugs all around, and started meeting and greeting people.  Socializing wasn't always my strong point, but I could make it by as a social butterfly.  

We had a bunch of fun later on.  Apparently, Joey and Phoebe planned all these silly little games for the bride and groom to play, and so we ended up doing some weird stuff.  I had to sit in a chair, and Chandler found my garter with just his mouth.  That was pretty embarrassing.  And then, I had to get cherries out of his mouth, using only my tongue! That took me forever, but I'm sure he didn't mind too much.  When it was time for cake, we were told to feed it to each other, but I took a playful route, and deliberately put icing on his nose.  It was funny trying to watch him lick it off, and Rachel ended up making me do it for him.  They're so crazy.  And perverted, too.  

Chandler and I had our first dance to our song.  I closed my eyes, and imagined that it was our thirteenth date.  That I was as nervous as ever, but the nervousness didn't come.  It didn't exist with him.  Nervousness was an old feeling now.  I opened them again.

And I saw his eyes.

I'm never going to be scared again, as long as he's with me.  If he's there, I have nothing to fear.

It got really late, really fast.  The guests were gone, and I had paid the caterer.  The rest of us had some time to talk before we left, and we sat and chatted at our table. Getting up, Joey and Ross gave us a hug.  Janice had gotten upset with Ross, and left the reception early in the evening.  They both gave me a kiss.

"We have to go, you guys.  Sorry.  This has been so much fun.  Congratulations, you two."

We hugged goodbye again, and with that, they left.  Rachel and Phoebe decided to go and get some more to eat, and have their own private discussion, so they gave us a hug, too, and headed over to the buffet.  Matthew and Chandler headed to the bathroom, and Cee and I hung back.

She was smiling at me, tears rolling silently down her face.

It was how I had hoped my mother would look on my wedding day.  I started to cry, too.

I hugged her, and kissed her cheek.  She gently brushed my hair out of my face, and looked at me.  Matthew came up behind her, and she looked up at him.  I smiled, and they turned to smile back.  He put his chin on her head, and looked at me.

And I looked back into the eyes of my guardian angels.

I felt Chandler's hands on my waist.  I knew it was him; no one else holds me like that.  I leaned back against him, and looked up.

And I saw his eyes.

In that minute that we all shared, Cee had said she was proud of me.  Matt had agreed.  I had thanked them.  Chandler and I had told each other that we loved each other, and that we loved them.  They said that they loved us, too, and that they hoped they would be as happy as we were.  And we hoped so, as well.

In all that was said, not a word was spoken.

'The best friends are those who speak without words.'

I never truly understood that until now.

The four of us stood there, looking at each other, until Phoebe and Rachel came up to us.

"Hey, you guys, what're you up to?" Rachel asked, looking back and forth between each pair.  She saw the resemblance.

"They're having a spiritual connection." Phoebe said, quietly, "We should go, we'll see them soon."

Rachel nodded, and the two headed out.  My hand tightened around Chandler's, just as Cee's did with Matt.  My tears fell with hers. My life entwined with hers.  And I looked up at Matt, who was my inspiration.  My savior.  And my friend.  The two in front of me were the two who helped me get everything back together, to be able to live again.  And for that, I owe them my life.  The two in front of me were the two who are going to spend the rest of their lives together.  My two best friends are in love.

Cee smiled her smile, and took Matt's other hand.

And they left, without any second glances.  When they had gone, and the room was still, I turned around to look at him.

I looked at Chandler.

My husband.  The love of my life.  My soul mate.

I looked at him.

And I saw his eyes.

- * -


End file.
